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31st January 2004, 11:25 pm

here again already, maybe i'm starting to get back to old times.

i forgot that it was emma and katie's birthday on the 29th... massive apologies to both of you, you know i would have remembered normally. i hope you had a really good day.

we watched pirates of the carrabian(sp?) (another amazon purchase) tonight, just me, my dad and al, seeing as ciaran's down in london at the moment, sorting work out. i think my dad enjoyed the film, and hopefully it took his mind to a happier place for a while. i'd willingly pay 15 quid every night just so he feels a little better.

the only good thing about this whole nightmare is that we've bonded more closely with ciaran, martin, maggie & john (bernie's best friend and husband) and tom (ciaran's best friend). ciaran's beginning to feel like a brother, and martin a grandad.

had a rough couple of days. keep carrying a feeling of worrying despair around with me, and i can't shift it. i can't even put down in words how shitty everything feels at the moment. i can't stand seeing my dad in this much pain, or describe how horrible it is to be suddenly stabbed every now and then with the realisation that bernie has actually gone, like when the answer machine kicks in with "hello, this is steve and bernie...".

i've lost the will to go back to uni and carry on with my studies, as it means going back to my own world in sheffield, and leaving my dad all alone in his in manchester. i still haven't cried since the wednesday when matt came round; i think i have some kind of emotion problem. i haven't got the energy to talk about the funeral, or how broken linda seems. i wish everything would fold away for a little while, so as i could just sit and stare at a wall.

i don't like feeling like this.

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