bad evening
5th March 2004, 11:54 pm

well it's quite late on a friday night, and i seem to have hit rock bottom right now, which makes a change actually, because i've been feeling okay these last couple of weeks.

it's probably got something to do with me being due very soon, so these extra evil hormones are making me feel more emotional and that.

i went for a meeting with my personal tutor a couple of days ago, and explained to him the whole situation and that. i kind've stated it in a detached, non-emotional way, which was good because he seemed to be the same kind of person. we seemed to view things in the same kind of way, ie. bad things just happen, it's nothing to do with fate or bad luck, and people in general just have to get on with them. he's actually quite a dude, gave me a chocolate biscuit too.

apparently, because i'm a compact student, if my dad pays no tuition fees, which he probably won't have to once he's been reassesed, i get a �1000 grant, which i've told my dad he can have, obviously. we just seem to scrabble for money these days, trying to get by on living off nothing.

my lecture was cancelled this morning, so me and paddy went for a drink in bar one, before i went to go meet my sister for lunch at 12. it was great just talking to him about it, he seems to really get where i'm coming from, and i was able to tell him a little bit of what's going on in my head. to be honest i don't fully know what is going on in my head at the moment, it just feels like a tangled mess.

i'm starting to get angry with myself for not dealing with things properly. i know there's no "proper" way of dealing with anything, but i shouldn't not be feeling just nothing for ages, and then dreading going home because it'll make me feel "something" again. dreading going home's a bad thing too, my dad really needs me right now, when i'd rather stay in my safe world back in halls because it means i can get away with not dealing with anything, and instead living life doing monotonous things, like going to lectures and watching corro.

i then, of course, feel guilty for not wanting to go home. guilt really is the worst thing in the world, it twists everything around. god, i hate this mood i'm in. the mood where i'm just angry at nothing in particular, when i should be sad and grieving instead. everything's shit, i wish it'd just curl up and die.

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