Words can't be that strong, my head is reeling
10.12.06, 10:43 am
With hindsight, if I�d have been given the choice between my Cognitive Therapy session or being hit with a big stick for the same amount of time, I might have chosen being beaten up. It was horrible. It was always going to be horrible though, so it�s no big deal. God, I LOVE flippancy. This was really tricky to write about, because it�s hard when you�re talking about feelings and memories that no one else has. It�s like trying to describe the reasons that you�re friends with someone. It also goes on forever. Bear with me though, the good stuff's coming.
So the first thing we did was relaxation stuff. The usual muscle relaxing stuff, then deep breathing stuff and finally safe place imagining stuff. I definitely deserve some sort of amazing medal for deep breathing. The safe place imagining stuff was actually quite hard, because for some reason I was on edge. And then we tried accessing the original memory, and I was told to picture a big TV screen and a remote. Once I�d gotten that I was to run the memory backwards, from the (pre-decided) end point to the beginning point, and to then fast-forward and rewind the memory over and over again until I lost interest in it. I freaked out.
It was horrible � my pulse soared, my muscles tensed, I could feel myself flushing and my brain was just screaming. It was the weirdest thing, because I�ve replayed that memory lots of times, and told it to various people, and always felt absolutely fine. Obviously going into the original memory is different though, and I was just so scared. Which I told Freud, so she had me just picturing myself watching TV. This was slightly easier, though I was still freaking out, and once I�d done that for a while I gave it another go. It was still fucking scary but I managed it� I got all the way from the end to the beginning. Obviously it wasn�t the whole memory in real-time as that�d take three days; your brain just instinctively picks out the important points that have stuck. God, I�ve been writing about this forever, probably because it felt like it lasted forever. Anyway, once I�d one through it once it was slightly easier to then run forwards and backwards through it. And then I could go back to the familiar place imagining, and come out of it, and not be terrified anymore. Good times.
The whole anxiety gig panic thing completely makes sense now, because all I have in that original memory slot is just a shit load of fear. And if you�ve got a shit load of fear stuck in the emotion part of your brain, then obviously it�s going to cause carnage and obviously can�t be solved just by hoping it�ll go away. It was so so horrible to do - I can�t state just how horrible � but I�m really glad I did it. I definitely rank it as one of my greatest achievements, up there with getting my 2:1 and learning how to raise one eyebrow. And you know what? I think it�s worked. I have felt so much better these past few days� exhausted but better. Obviously it�s early days and may just be temporary, but things feel like they�ve fallen back into place. The stuff that used to make me panic� I just don�t care anymore. It�s like someone�s just flipped off a switch. I don�t want to get my hopes up, but I�m on the edge of going into full-blown hideously drunk party mode.
In news that�s not seeped in angst and turmoil, my first wisdom tooth has just started coming through. I�m officially 25% wiser. I know, it sounds impossible given the enormous power and wonderfulness of my brain. It�s very exciting and I feel incredibly grown-up. Okay, it�s not that exciting� but I still feel really grown-up. I�m also totally paranoid that they�re going to grow in and make my teeth all wonky. Call me shallow but I�ve always been hugely grateful towards my straight teeth gene. And I definitely don�t want to have to go get them ripped out by a clumsy dentist, like most of my friends have. Why do people always think that horror dentist experiences make good stories?
Lise rang last night, drunk, with an equally drunk Standard in the background, because: �Well, we were drunk, and then we were like, aww Hol�s not here, we love Hol, we wish she was here�. Get in! And then we get onto lesbianism AGAIN, because I apparently have endless thoughts on the topic.
Me: Is Standard gay now?
Lise: Maybe.
Me: She�d fit in well around here then; it�s all we ever talk about.
Lise: Yeah, they�re definitely rubbing off on you.
Me: Not literally though, I hasten to add.
Standard sent me a Christmas card the other day, so chez Sheffield is officially a festive flat. Speaking of which.
New Christmas Day plans! My dad�s taken to emailing me about Christmas now, apparently because �we�re all so busy�, but we all know the real reason is �to prevent Freudian slips and progression into RUINING MY HAPPINESS AND STABBING ME IN THE BACK territory.� Anyway, we�re now going to Ladyfriend�s on Christmas Eve, although her kids won�t be there as they�re at their dad�s, and then the Ladyfriend clan are coming to casa Manchester on Christmas Day afternoon and staying over, before buggering off on Boxing Day. Ciaran should be knocking around too. This is truly excellent news, not least because I can just smuggle my dad�s guitar up to my bedroom, claim an ME attack (probably end up being genuine, to be honest) and then have a peaceful play for a few hours. My dad finally rang yesterday and I said that the plans sounded fine. And also told him that I was getting my hair cut next week �because I don�t want to look like a nob on all the Christmas photos�.
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