The jewellery box
20.09.07, 8:36 pm

This entry is not happy, I�m afraid, but I guess you can�t have sunshine and fireworks all the time.

My dad rang the other night for the usual 10-day catch-up, and at the end of the call casually said, �Oh, and tell me what you think of this� to raise some funds for the wedding we thought we�d sell some of your mum�s old jewellery.� Now, it�s true that she had lots of it, and it currently lives in her jewellery box that my dad has tucked away somewhere. And all I have for it is emotional attachment, which is why imagining throwing it away catches me in the stomach like someone�s just gutted me � a kind of guilty ache. Much like how I felt when we were moving house from Nottingham to Manchester, and I was packing up the computer room and found my mum�s old Filofax, and it was full of my mum�s wonderfully familiar handwriting. And I found a back page where she�d written details about my sister�s birth, and how old she was when she took her first steps and said her first word and everything. Back then I had to take a deep breath and just throw it away, because you can�t hang on to everything forever, even though it felt like a huge betrayal. I get the feeling that the same applies for this jewellery.

At the same time, it seems more than a little tasteless and just�well, wrong for my dad to raise money for his new wedding by selling off her jewellery. He�s said that he�s going to send me a photo of all of it, and if there�s anything there that I want then I can have it. Part of me feels like I can only really ask for one or two items, as otherwise he�s not going to get a lot of money. Part of me feels that I should take it all because I feel so guilty and torn up about it. Part of me believes that it�s just something else that I need to let go of. Jewellery is just so much more personal than the things that we�ve already cleared out. I don�t know why I feel so guilty but I do. It doesn�t matter how much I assure myself and everyone around me that I�ve come to terms with my past; you only have to poke around for a minute or two and all this suppressed grief just bubbles up.

It then got worse, as he said something along the lines of, �Oh, and there�s a chain that Amanda really likes, and it goes wonderfully with her wedding outfit. It�s one Mavis (my gran) gave to your mum. But we thought she couldn�t really wear it in case Mavis notices and says something. You don�t mind or anything, do you? I mean, Mavis will recognise it� it�s just whether or it she says anything. So we thought she shouldn�t risk wearing it on the day.�

The idea of that woman rooting through my mum�s jewellery box, picking over all the items and choosing something that she wants, makes me feel physically sick. I don�t know what the hell my dad thinks he�s doing either. What kind of woman would want to wear something belonging to her husband�s dead wife on her wedding day? WHAT KIND OF FUCKING TWISTED PERSON THINKS THAT THAT�S AN OKAY IDEA? And it�s not even like it was a present from my dad to my mum� my gran gave it to her. Who, incidentally, will absolutely hit the roof if she ever finds out about this. I definitely can NEVER tell her about it. There�s no fucking way in hell that Amanda is keeping that chain. I just� I�m just lost for words, almost. I don�t understand how someone would want to do that. Or why my dad would let her choose bits that she wants. I hate the idea of them sitting about, looking over the jewellery and mentally totting up how much money they can get for it all. That fucking woman eyeing it all over. Thinking that she can wear my mum�s jewellery, the most beautiful and amazing person that I have ever known. I realise that if I actually liked Amanda I maybe wouldn�t feel so strongly about it. But then again, that isn�t the case, and I�m not even sure if that would alter my feelings all that much. I know for sure that Bernie would never have done something like this, and even if she had she would have asked me herself.

And what was my calm, dignified, emotional response to my dad�s question? �Erm� well, erm, you do what you like, Dad.� He completely caught me off guard, and I had no idea what to say back. I�m going to have to tell him that I don�t want Amanda to keep the chain but I don�t know how, and this will obviously cause further problems. She�ll have more fuel for her Hating Holly fire; she�ll think that I don�t want them to get married, that I don�t like her, that I�m being purposefully obstructive. My dad will probably be angry too. I guess it�s just all unavoidable.

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