Drawing the line
27.05.08, 7:59 pm

I currently have a houmous obsession, and spent the entire week eating it with bread. I had it for both breakfast and lunch, and would kill for some right now as well. The only way to rid myself of this is to just eat it out of my system, but it doesn�t appear to be happening any time soon. Whoever thought that chickpeas, olive oil and lemon juice would be the key to my undoing. God, I love houmous so much. Erm, this entry is pretty angsty once again... I have actually been up to a hell of a lot of stuff, but other things take precedent entry-wise. I�ll try and write another entry soon � something a bit lighter hopefully.

Life isn�t too fun at the moment. The easiest way to explain why is probably just to copy and paste the letter to my dad that I�ve spent the weekend trying to write. It�s proving tricky, and isn�t finished yet:

Dad,

This letter may seem somewhat out of the blue, but I now feel too strongly about certain events to not say anything. Without wanting to rake over old coals, I was speaking to Mavis last week and she informed me that she only discovered six months ago that Mum's ashes were scattered at Burntstump Park; indeed, up until then she thought that nothing had yet been done with them. I'm sorry, but I think that this is an absolute disgrace, and I do not understand why you neglected to tell her. The only reason I didn't think to tell her is solely because I thought that you would see it as imperative to inform her as to her daughter's final resting place. I understand that Mavis was quite upset about all of this, as she should be. Looking back now, I think it was bad enough that the ashes scattering was rushed and that Mavis was not asked if she would like to come, but to then cut her out of knowing about it beggars belief.

The other matter that I wish to bring up is the issue of the jewellery last year. I wanted to say something at the time, but felt that it would be unfair to given that the wedding was a few weeks away. The fact that you wanted to trade in Mum's jewellery to pay for your wedding rings was awful, but to then want Amanda to wear some of Mum's jewellery (not even a present from you, but from Mavis) on the wedding day is, frankly, beyond words. How you cannot see that this is crass, tasteless and deeply hurtful is beyond me. I do not even understand why Amanda would want to wear any of Mum's jewellery, especially on her wedding day. Jewellery is an incredibly personal thing, and should have been passed on to Alice and I if you had no further want of it.

I basically rang my gran last Thursday, and for some reason decided to tell her about the memorial bench that I�m trying to organise. She thought it was a brilliant idea, which was nice, but we then got talking and she let me know about some pretty hurtful stuff from when my mum died. Most of it is pretty grey areaish, but I feel so angry about the ashes and jewellery issues that I�ve decided it�s time to confront my dad about them. I have to be really careful though, as I don�t want to fuck the whole thing up and have him never talk to me again. Despite the fact that he�s been a complete bastard about things, he is still my dad. This is why the letter is taking me forever to finish, as it has to be perfect, although if he has no excuse or gets defensive and angry then I don�t know where things will go. He�s on holiday until a week tomorrow though, so I still have some time. I am going to be so scared when it comes to posting it � I think I�m going to have to go to Indie Chick�s the following evening in case he decides to ring me then.

So I�m pretty up-and-down at the moment... whenever I think about the whole thing I get very shaky and angry, but it seems to help talking to different people about it all, and seeing what their opinions are and what they�d do in my situation. If anyone has an opinion on it all, then please let me know � I�d be very grateful. Everyone seems to agree that both issues are completely dreadful, and beyond excuse. That, at least, is something. And that is why I�m not really writing much about the ashes and the jewellery, because I don�t think I need to explain how angry, hurt and confused I feel... I think it�s pretty obvious and would be the same for anybody in my position. God, I just hope I don�t fuck everything up forever by doing this. I just feel like he has finally gone too far, and that I can�t be lenient forever. There has to be a line drawn somewhere.

Really really scared.

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