Of living together
27.04.10, 9:30 pm

Nothing has happened of interest in the last two weeks. Well, I lie: I�m now taking French lessons and saw Frankie Boyle at the weekend and was quite ill yesterday. I just don�t want to write about all that.

So here�s the thing, guys. And I�m quite hormonal at the moment, so I�m not quite sure how all of this is going to come out.

A couple of weeks ago I broached the subject of James and I living together, after suddenly deciding that it couldn�t be put off forever, and that it was ridiculous for two people to spend three and a half years together and not have one conversation about the future. I screwed up the courage and did it, and it didn�t really go very well. James had clearly not even thought about it, was very vague and unhelpful, and basically said �I dunno, babe� three times followed by, �It�s a big step, isn�t it?� I was kind�ve put out by this, and talked to him again the following morning, stressing that I didn�t mean for us to move in straight away; I�d just meant that we should probably have a chat at some time about the possibility. I said that he needed to think about it, and he agreed, and then I said that he needed to bring it up next time because I wasn�t going to ask, and he agreed again. And we left it at that.

This evening I got home from work and LandBaron told me that she was planning on moving to Nottingham, as the commute is becoming too much of a bind for her. Consequently the whole Moving In Together issue has jumped a whole lot closer, and decisions need to be made. Obviously, on the one hand this is a good thing as it�s suddenly put a time-line on everything, and, as people have pointed out to me, you sometimes need sudden changes in circumstances to bring about Moving In Together situation.

Thing is, I�m now afraid to tell him, because I�m scared that he doesn�t actually want to live with me and will have to say that to me, and then everything will be horrible. Just thinking about having the conversation fills me with dread. I know I have ridiculous abandonment issues. I know that I constantly think that people are just going to up and leave without warning, but I also know that people don�t work like that - that they can�t just turn emotions on and off like a tap � and yet it doesn�t stop my stupid brain. And despite the fact that we spend every weekend and holiday together, what if, truthfully, he doesn�t want to live with me, and was just too nice to say before? I love James more than anything in the world; he is the best thing to have ever happened to me. I can�t mess this up.

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