Of freaking out and CBT
26.07.11, 6:08 pm

Totally hideous day at work, where in the morning my palpitations went absolutely mental for no reason at all. Already suffering with hideous hormones, I freaked the hell out, rather than just calmly taking some Propranolol like I AM SUPPOSED TO DO BECAUSE THIS IS WHY I CARRY THEM AROUND IN MY BAG WHEREVER I GO, FOR GOD'S SAKE, and had to go sit in the churchyard for half an hour and sort myself out. I got A Bit Upset and realised that this was no good. Life stuff is not supposed to impact on work stuff - I was 20 minutes late to a meeting because I was too busy sitting on a set of stone steps telling myself that everything would be okay. And I won't be able to get away with it again, either; soon people who I work with will twig that I'm clearly not fine.

Therefore, I think it's time to try therapy again, a word that fills me with dread. These palpitations are not going to go away, and so I need to accept that they're a part of my life and find a way to deal with them rationally. Happily I think I'm going to try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, rather than horrible standard counselling. I'm going to talk it over with the boy when he gets back and I'm a bit apprehensive because I don't want him to think that I'm unstable. I know he won't, and I know there's nothing wrong with trying CBT and that loads of people do and it's fine... but there's still that stigma attached. Plus it's just all incredibly frustrating: I know what my fears are (dying) and why I think the way I do (people dying suddenly in my past), but that doesn't seem to stop me still thinking that way. I wish life could just be that simple � you spot the problem and rub it out and start again and everything's then fine.

Anyway. I'm going to give CBT a go. It's that or spend the rest of my life afraid and on beta-blockers and that kind've feels like giving up. You never know, it might be sort of fun. I kind've hope it is, seeing as I'll be paying �50 a session for it. And it's all life experience as well, I guess.

I'll probably carry on updating as I have my CBT sessions, so I guess you're all coming along for the ride. Hope I don't make a total twat of myself.

last - next