The letter to Paddy
15.03.06, 6:49 pm

First thing�s first, a huge happy birthday to Zoe.

Using this entry as a break, as I�ve just finished my drawings (six in total, and they actually look pretty good, thank god) and need to next move on to the writing side of the report. We had a gap between lectures this morning and went up to Sally�s, and whilst Paddy, Ella and Amy drank coffee and talked I started on my drawings. I got one of them looking pretty much perfect, and then Ella said something really funny and I burst out laughing and succeeded in gobbing on my beautiful drawing. Not a mahussive amount, but a big enough blob of spit so that when I tried to dry it off it succeeded in turning my graph paper a weird colour and rendering my drawing ruined. Trust me to ruin my work by gobbing on it.

So this is the deal. After coming to the end of my tether with the Paddy thing, I�ve decided to write a letter to him telling him exactly how I feel. In fact, I started writing this letter last Friday, and finished it last night. Now that it�s finished I have no excuse not to give it to him. I figured I should give it to him on a weekend, so that he doesn�t have to immediately see me the next day at a lecture. We�re out tomorrow night with the Neuroscience kids, celebrating handing in our lab report, so first thing on Friday morning I�m going to walk up to his house and push the letter through his door. Becky�s said that she�ll walk with me.

I guess this is crunch time. I don�t have a lot of hope for him feeling the same way that I do, but at least I�ll know where I stand. I�m going to write the letter in this entry too, because this diary is a record of my life and this sort of thing should be included in it. Plus it�ll serve as a good reminder of what not to do if the whole thing goes completely wrong. I�m really, really scared.

Dear Paddy,

You�re probably wondering what the hell this is all about; I can completely imagine the expression on your face. Well, it�s about us; this whole letter is about us� and I bet you already feel like running away. I told myself that I wouldn�t say all of this stuff until after we left Uni, but it turns out that I can�t wait that long. We�re spending so much time together at the moment and it�s all driving me completely crazy, and if I don�t get it out I�ll just implode or something.

Basically I can�t get you out of my head. You�ve been in there ever since we met at the beginning of first year, although obviously not as strongly then compared to now. You�re my best friend � you were there all through Bernie dying and my dad�s depression and my family�s money problems and my anxiety gig. I know that my life�s not exactly normal or easy going, but you were always there. You never let me down. I hope I was half the friend that you were to me.

There�s no easy way of saying this, so I�m just going to say it. I�m in love with you Paddy, and I have no idea how you feel about me. I have a horrible gnawing feeling in my stomach that tells me that you just see me as a friend, but I still don�t really know. I know that I said that I�d never bring it up again, and for that I�m sorry. I know that back then you worried about us being too different, but I�m a different person from who I was in first year, you know that. I know that you think that you�d make a rubbish boyfriend but I don�t believe you.

I need to know how you feel, because it�s the not knowing that�s killing me. If you feel the same way then fantastic, let�s stop messing around and go for it. I don�t want to risk the friendship anymore than you do � our friendship means the world to me � but at the same time I just know that we�ll always be friends, whatever happens. Some things you do just know. If you don�t feel the same way about me then tell me, and I can then move on. I�ve tried to move on before and it didn�t work, because I didn�t know where I stood. So if you just see me as a friend then let me know, and I�ll get over you and move back to being your friend. Either way, I just need you to be honest with me. Don�t be scared to hurt my feelings.

Whatever happens and however you feel, you�ll always be one of my most favourite people in the whole world.

Holly x

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