I'm gonna smile, 'cause I wanna make you happy
18.03.06, 12:38 pm

I managed to get my lab report in on time and relatively good-sounding, after working on it solidly all Wednesday and up to 12pm on Thursday. The bloody drawings took me four hours, and I was going to take pictures of them and display them here because I was all proud, but decided against it. It would�ve definitely been just too geeky, and plus no one would even have cared what they were supposed to show, especially as I had to give them titles such as �Parasagittal section of rat brain at x40 magnification, treated with anti-tau and streptavidin-biotin�. Clearly no one is caring about streptavidin-biotin, and neither do I so that�s just fine.

Got into Uni at 1 o�clock to hand the report in and realised I�d forgotten to bring the shitty Open Day report that I�d had to also write, and that also needed to be handed in. This resulted in phonecalls to Becky to ask her to email it me, so that I could print it out at Uni. I couldn�t help remembering that the picture that now shows up on her phone whenever I ring her is of me dressed up in my gangster outfit and sunglasses, posing in her room with an imaginary gun, James Bond-style. Anyway, after everything finally got handed in Paddy and me went down to Bar One and got quite drunk on beer with some of his friends.

I decided randomly to go to Fuzz Club with Dave Thursday night, which was good fun actually, except some very tall guy tried to chat me up at the bar and I had to run off pretty sharpish. Friday morning I wrote up the letter, and then Becky and me walked up to Crookes to post it through his door. Except he doesn�t have a letterbox, so I had to knock and ask Neil to give it to him.

I guess I should write about what happened, even though I don�t really want to. It basically took him four hours after reading the letter to contact me about it. I re-straightened my hair, because even if I was going to get rejected I was still going to look good. We met on the corner and went for a drink in the Hadfield, and I knew as soon as I saw him what the answer was going to be, but we still had a normal conversation on the way up the hill. We got a drink and sat down; I said, �So, what do you think?� and he replied, �You already know what the answer is, don�t you?� and I quietly said, �Yeah�. He said that he didn�t think it would work, and that we should just stay friends. He never told me if he actually felt anything or not; never gave me a reason for why it wouldn�t work. I tried to ask why but it was like talking to a wall � he just wouldn�t elaborate, and I didn�t want to push too hard because I didn�t want to get upset in the middle of the pub.

He kept saying how bad he felt, that he was really sorry, and I kept saying that it was okay, that it wasn�t his fault. I was so intent on seeming fine, because I wanted to make him happy and not hurt him, even though he�d hurt me. He then said that he really admired me for writing the letter; that it obviously took a lot of guts, and you know, everyone keeps saying how brave I am or whatever, but I don�t really see it as that. I just see it as reckless/stupid/bad idea. And then he said that someday I�d meet someone else and make them so happy because I�m a fantastic girl, and I had to shut him down then because I was close to tears. I said that things might be weird for a while, and he said that if I needed space or anything then to just let him know.

And then we talked normally for about half an hour, because I wanted him to see that I was fine. Mel couldn�t believe it, asked me how I could do that, and I said something like, �Because I�m good at that kind of thing.� We drank up and walked back down the hill, he asked if I was okay, I said that I was, we hugged and then he said that if he could do anything to let him know. He probably still felt really bad. I think I felt worse.

So I guess that�s it. Last night I rapidly went from sad to angry, because I know he wasn�t being completely honest with me. If the answer was so clean cut then why take four hours to let me know? Why not give a reason for things not working? Today I�m just back to sad again. I don�t really know how I�m supposed to move on and forget about him when I have to see him every day. I�m scared that I�ve totally fucked up our friendship, and that we can never now be as close as we have been these past few months. I�m scared that maybe we can�t be friends anymore, because I won�t be able to move on, even though I promised him that we�d always be friends. I�ve had to take his photo down because I can�t really look at it, which doesn�t bode well for Monday. I�m hoping all the kids are out today because I think I�m going to need to cry soon.

Maybe I got him wrong; maybe he�s actually a bit shit. Or maybe he�s still great and I can�t have him, and as stupid as it sounds I�m wondering how I�ll ever actually meet someone who�s better.

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