Job stuff and cocaine stuff
20.08.06, 12:05 pm

Right then, time for a normal entry with some good news and a lot of random crap. We all deserve a break from the seriousness.

So, the good news comes in the form of gainful employment. When I got back from the zoo last week I opened a letter addressed to me (obviously) and discovered that I�d been offered an interview as a lab tech in the Bone Biology Department at Sheffield Uni. If I remember correctly, it�s a research project looking at genetic reasons for people getting bone cancer. The job looks fantastic, though the full-timeness of it does worry me quite a lot and I�m not sure if I�m up to it health-wise, but I�ll go along to the interview either way. That�s on Thursday anyway, at half nine in the morning. It�s all quite exciting.

And then Paddy texted me last night saying, �Hey mate, shouldn�t really tell you this but you�ve got an interview with the Home Office, so sound surprised when they ring you�. Home Office woman rang today and I�ve got an interview on the 30th, which is next Wednesday. This job�s a part-time admin role, so a lot more ideal, but will probably be as boring as fuck. So it�s all quite exciting in JobLand at the moment, although I�m not sure what I�m going to do if I get the lab job on Thursday.

Linda: You know, sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think that I could actually pass for a twelve year old. Look at me, when I�m wearing the rucksack and the jacket.
Me: You don�t look twelve, but you could definitely pass for a normal student, easy.
Linda: Great.
Me: Hey, you should totally go down to Uni and steal yourself some free education.
Linda: Oh, cool! Because of all the things I want to steal, education is obviously top of the list.

I�m currently teaching Linda (Lisa�s girlfriend) how to play guitar, and have allowed her to practise on my electric (massively generous of me, in my opinion, as I completely covert that thing). It�s not going bad and I�m impressed with my patience, as I�m not really known for it. The other day Linda asked me if I�d ever considered being a music teacher and I nearly fell off the sofa laughing. Pretty sure I�d only last a few hours before having a complete nervous breakdown, plus I couldn�t face endless lessons of kids bashing out Big Ben on glockenspiels with half the notes missing. At least, that�s what the music lessons at my old school normally comprised of. And whilst we�re on the subject of music, I�m currently learning Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley. It�s quite hard work but the wonderfulness of the song makes up for it.

I�ve just suddenly realised that I�ve never got round to boasting about this, so here you go: I got a mark of 72 for my Long QT thing, which is a 1st. All that sucking up to American Psycho clearly paid off, although I felt absolutely no remorse when I threw away the 900 journals I had on the bleeding disease the other day. In total I got five 2:2s, six 2:1s and one 1st in my third year, so cutting it as fine as always in getting the overall 2:1. I prefer it that way though, because if I�d worked myself to the bone just to get a higher 2:1 I wouldn�t have had half as much fun. Plus results day would�ve been a lot less exciting and ultimately a lot less sweet. Man, you�ve got to love hindsight; it lets you get away with ridiculous statements like that last one.

I do feel sorry for the �They�re gonna taste great!� kid off the Frosties advert. Yes, he�s an annoying little dick who makes a total fuck-up of dancing at the end, but I bet he gets the shit kicked out of him at school now as a consequence. I also feel sorry for Howard off of the National Accident Helpline ad with the whiplash and the dodgy tash, but it�s okay because he got a cheque for �4000 and he didn�t even have to go to court (call 0800 556557 to find out free if you can claim). Dear God, I need a job. And soon, as all this daytime telly is close to convincing me to ring Norton Finance because their trained and friendly staff are waiting for my call.

Forgot to mention that as me and Paddy were sat in the Peace Gardens having our lunch the other day, the Crazy Evangelical Man came up to us and gave us both a leaflet about finding God. Of course, he had to be handing them over just as my Diet Coke bottle exploded upon being opened, and I reacted with a loud, �Oh, Jesus! It�s gone frigging everwhere!� CEM does not like blasphemers, and I got a very dirty look. So obviously I used his leaflet to mop up the spilt Diet Coke. Two can play at that game, CEM.

There�s a couple that live above us who are always having horrific domestics, and almost every weekend you�re guaranteed to hear thudding footsteps, crying and screamed insults. I�ve no idea what they look like, or anything about them. Well, yesterday they had the usual barney in the afternoon, which lasted a good twenty minutes, and then nothing for the rest of the night. I went to bed at about midnight, with the window open because it was boiling, and they must�ve had their bedroom window open too, because I suddenly got to hear the following shouted conversation as clear as day:

Upstairs Girl: �Tell me! STOP LYING! You�ve taken cocaine, haven�t you? Tell me! STOP FUCKING LYING, I CAN SEE IT AROUND YOUR NOSE! You�ve just taken a line of coke, haven�t you?�
Upstairs Boy: �Yeah alright, I have.�
Upstairs Girl: �You little fucking shit. YOU FUCKING DRUGGIE LITTLE CUNT! I can�t believe you, you lying little shit. You are not going to work tomorrow, you�re not seeing him again. FUCKING DRUGGIE SCUM! I won�t have drugs in my life again, I just won�t! NO WONDER NO ONE IN YOUR FAMILY LIKES YOU! You do that again and I�m ringing your fucking dad and telling him. Piece of fucking druggie scum, I HATE YOU!�

Must invite them round for tea asap.

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