Acid overload
05.10.16, 9:39 am

11 and a half weeks pregnant now, and I’m in the middle of another hormone overload, so sat at my desk at work trying not to have a breakdown. After being relatively great for a time, my heart’s been awful the past two days due to my stomach being an acidic mess, so much so that on Monday night I had to call it a day at 8.45pm and go to bed. I cried whilst I brushed my teeth. I feel like I’m losing control of who I am.

I know this won’t last forever, but it feels like it will. I can take beta blockers in 13 days’ time, but I know that they won’t fix all of my problems, that stomach-based palpitations aren’t cured so much by pills. It’ll hopefully ease them a little, but they won’t go. Last night I tried to tell myself that no matter how many I had and how unpleasant they felt, I’d just let them come and see how it went. I tried so hard and yet ultimately failed, because they make you feel like you’re going into an arrhythmia and it’s scary.

There are so many scary things ahead of me, but I’m trying to just ignore them and concentrate on one day at a time. Time is crawling by. I have James’s sister’s wedding in 3 weeks’ time… what if I have a heart episode then? How do you eat a load of food and socialise with people you don’t really know if you feel like you’re dying? I know there’s no point in worrying; that what will be will be, and there is nothing to be achieved by catastrophizing it.

I want this baby and yet I don’t. I feel like the worst person in the world for admitting that. I want it, and yet I can’t see how I can do this for another 29 weeks. I should be able to ignore this problem that is benign and ultimately harmless, and yet I still can’t, even after all these years. It’s still here, dragging me down. I’d gotten myself to such a good place in my life – I was so fit and healthy from all the cycling and healthy eating, and the beta blockers allowed me mentally to be happy, unworried and positive. Now I just feel like a mess. I feel like I’m skirting the edge of a huge anxiety spiral, desperately trying to stop myself from falling in. Will this get better? I honestly don’t know.

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