Baby's got the blues
11.07.17, 1:18 pm

Sorry, it's been so long since I last wrote. I sense my entries are going to be short and sporadic for the foreseeable future now, as babies don't run on timetables, more's the pity.

So how's it going? OK I guess, but I'm still mostly not enjoying it. Lara is 9 weeks today, and the past 63 days have been so incredibly hard. Less hard now that I'm healed physically, but mentally I'm still not there yet. Almost everything is boring and repetitive, and I find myself just killing time until James gets home. Feed, change, 'play' that's basically pulling faces and waving things in her eyeline, huge battle to rock her to sleep, then guilty relief that she's not awake and there's 50 minutes peace. Same thing every day. Ticking off the days, but I'm not sure what I'm counting down to. The point where it becomes mostly enjoyable, maybe.

I feel like a pointless person, completely without purpose. I used to have a job, and interests, and could cook and clean. Now all I do is childcare, and I'm not sure I'm even good at that. I'm too impatient and anxious, too uptight when things aren't right. I'm so tired. Lara won't take a bottle now so I'm breastfeeding all the time, so I can never be more than 2 hours away. I know you're supposed to want to be with your baby all the time but it's so stifling and claustrophobic. I wish I could have just one night's sleep, but I'm sure all new parents feel like that.

It feels like I shouldn't admit to all these feelings but I can't sugarcoat my thoughts, not in here. Everyone tells me it will get better. I hope it does. There are times where it's fine, even good - usually at the weekend, when James is around. During the week, though, it's boring and lonely. I love Lara so much, I honestly so. But I get so down sometimes.

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