shit
17th January 2004, 10:49 pm
okay here goes.
bernie had been having headaches for about five days, near enough constant. we thought she had sinuitus, as my sister had been having the same kind of thing. al went back to notts on monday, and me and my dad were going to go down on the wednesday for the funeral. well tuesday morning, bernie's birthday, my dad found ehr in the bathroom with a massive headache and sickness. she'd lost feeling in her right leg and arm, so me and dad carried her back to bed, and then my dad rang for an ambulance. martin (bernie's dad) and my dad stayed with her whilst i looked out for it, and when it came i showed the paramedics upstairs. by then bernie was nearly unconscious and had trouble speaking. they took her off in the ambulance, and i stayed at home.
my dad rang about an hour later, telling me that she deteriorated rapidly in the ambulance, and had gone straight for a head scan when they arrived. he said that they thought she might have a bleed on her brain. i started ringing people and letting them know; bernie's best friend, maggie, went straight to the hospital, and i sat by the phone at home.
at about six my dad rang again, telling me it was bad, and that john (maggie's husband) was coming to get me and take me to the hospital. we arrived there, and went to this little room where my dad and maggie was. he told me she'd had a brain haemorrage, and that she was in theatre having a tap done to relieve the pressure, and that there was a 50/50 survival chance. a nurse then came and took us up to ICU, and we waited there for a lifetime. the doctor then arrived and told us that they'd done the tap but not the repair of the anneurysm, as they wanted to make sure she was totally stable first. they then got her ready for ICU, and we were finally allowed to see her.
she was on about a million different machines... blood pressure, pulse, breathing rate. plus the sedative and other gadgets. the nurse explained all the wires to us, and after a little while i went out and let maggie go in and see her. the relatives room at ICU is nothing like casualty. there's never just your family in there, there's several, and you're scared to look at anyone in case it's disrespectful. there's also a huge clock up on the wall, which you watch endlessly.
after my dad came out we came home, and spent an endless evening smoking and staring into silence. i texted a few people and let them know, and then we went to bed. at that point ciaran had driven home, and was in the hospital with bernie. i didn't hear him come in. in the morning him and my dad went to the hospital, as they were going to wake her up, and i stayed at home by the phone. every phonecall was the same throughout the day, "still no change, the nurse hasn't found any reflexes in the pupils or pressure points". at that point the hope that i had left died. i rang matt, who's in stockport, and asked him if he could drive up and see me. he said yes, and was there within half an hour. i tried to tell him everything that had happened without crying but failed, but he was fine, really supportive. before he left he told me to have hope that she'd still wake up, which i'd given up believing but was a nice thing to say. my sister arrived in the evening sometime, and at about half ten me and ciaran went to see bernie again. she looked exactly the same; ciaran kept squeezing her hand and whispering "come on mum". when we left i said "bernie we're gonna go now," then i kissed her hand, "but i'll come see you soon." we went home and i went to bed, as my head was banging, but didn't sleep for a while.
then on the thursday my dad rang us from the hospital and told us that we had to go in asap. i wanted to think it was because she'd woken up, but knew deep down that it was going to be bad news. me, ciaran and al got there, and were shown to the green room, where we met my dad and martin. the hospital seems to think that if they paint the Bad News Room green it'll soothe people, what a total load of bollocks. the neurosurgeon then came in, and i knew it was bad news because he didn't speak for ages, and looked at the floor. finally he told us that she should have woken up by then, and that she'd shown no reflexes. he went and performed some brain stem reflex tests with another senior doctor, then returned and told us that there was nothing, no brain stem activity, and that bernie was clinically dead.
i knew it already, i'd known since yesterday afternoon. everyone started crying except me, i just sat staring at the green wall covered in small dark green diamonds, rubbing my sister's back and wishing the whole world would just fold up. the surgeon then told us that there was two options, "one is we switch off the ventilator, in which case her heart will stop beating in a matter of minutes." ciaran went beserk at that, shouting "no don't, don't fucking say that, don't turn that machine off" before crying so hard i thought he'd just fall to pieces. him and my dad then went off on a walk, talking about organ donation, and i sat and stared at the wall, this time counting how many diamonds there were.
they came back, and agreed on organ donation. the surgeon went off to find the donor director, and the nurse told us that we could all see bernie. i said that i wanted to see her on my own, and everyone just agreed with my idea. my dad went first, and didn't stay for very long, i think it was too painful for him. after that my sister went, for longer, and i sat and held my dad's hand, making geometric shapes out of the diamonds. after my sister went martin, who was totally devastated, and then i went in. i washed my hands at the sink like they show you on the posters, even though it didn't matter then, and then sat down by bernie. i said "hey bernie, it's holly" and then forced myself not to cry. "the doctors tell me that you're not here, that you've gone a long time ago, but i know you can hear me. thankyou for making my dad so happy, i know you made him happy. he started laughing when he met you, and i promise i'll try my hardest to make him laugh again. i know you can hear me."i kissed her hand, and had to stop myself crying again. "don't worry about ciaran, or martin, or maggie, we'll look after them. and don't worry about dad either, i'll take care of him. thankyou for being a part of our lives, you made mine so much better." i kissed her hand again. "thankyou." i then stood up and kissed her on the cheek, but then found that i couldn't leave, so sat down again. "i could sit here and stay forever, but i can't, i have to go. we'll miss you so much, i love you." i got up and kissed her on the cheek again, whispered goodbye, took a deep breath and then left. ciaran went in after me for a long time, and then maggie arrived, totally distraught, and she was allowed in to see her.
we sat in the bad news room for hours, waiting for the donor director to check over bernie, and to find the right paperwork, then she came in and went over the forms with us. after she left we went downstairs, and we said goodbye to maggie and martin, before going home. i picked up the phone and rang people, telling them about the news, and was surprised by my deadpan voice. i didn't sleep that night until gone four.
since then it's been a nightmare. each day i wake up depressed - a heavy, crushing feeling in my stomach that makes me feel a little queasy at times, and the world feels like it has a black veil over it - and this feeling lasts until i go to bed. there's endless problems... my exams are next week and i'm gonna have a crack at them, though i'm far behind in my revision. i'm going into uni tuesday afternoon, and then coming back on saturday. if i fail them then i'll have to retake in august. we have no money, as my dad hasn't got a job yet, and bernie had a few large debts. almost all of the money has been spent on the new house, and bernie didn't make a will, so that will take months to process. ciaran and martin will both help my dad out, but it's still a worrying issue.
the funeral will be sometime during the week after this. everything feels like some dark sickening nightmare, and i keep having to tell myself that it's real and has happened. i don't know how we're going to get through this.
lindz's dad died yesterday morning. everything's just shit.
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