the aftermath
25th January 2004, 8:27 pm

i went back to uni last tuesday to do my exams. going back was bizarre... i got out of the car in sorby, looked up to my window and saw mel waving at me from the next window along. me, my dad and my sister went in, as they were gonna stop for a coffee, and i picked up my card and swipe card. i then hugged them both goodbye, and they told me not to worry about my exams, before walking over to mel and matt, who were sat by the door waiting for me, and we trolled up to g floor. seeing everyone was lovely, it really was, but after about ten minutes (when everyone had gone back to their revision) i immediately didn't want to be there. it was my home but not home home.

the exams didn't go fantastically... i think i've passed cell biology, but probably haven't passed mbb154. i couldn't revise for it thursday, thursday was definately the worst day. when i was on g floor bernie seemed to not be real, it was like it had happened but in a far off land, and that land had no connection to me because i was around my uni friends, and not my family at home. i spent a lot of time lying on my bed, or talking to people like lisa or my dad. mel also went home wednesday afternoon which didn't help, as she was the one who i could really talk to. we talked about it wednesday afternoon, but i was still sad to see her go.

paddy was fantastic though... he came up tuesday evening (i'd asked him if he could come up and bring some food, as i couldn't face going down to the canteen with a whole crowd of people) so he arrived with chips, flowers and a big hug. he told me to ring him at any time, and even offered me a bed at his house in case i'd rather go there than home. he's lovely, he really is.

came home friday lunchtime, straight after the exam. amy was going down to see her boyfriend in london, so we got the bus in together. she thinks she messed up her exam too, so i wasn't too arsed about it.

coming home was intense; as soon as i sat down next to my dad in the car the feeling that i had had in my stomach, the disjointed, lonely feeling, was immediately replaced by a depressed sorrow, that has been here ever since. i'm spending most of my time looking after my dad, making sure he's eating properly, cleaning the house. tomorrow i'll start my revision for my evolution exam, but i gave myself the weekend.

yesterday morning he wrapped me up in a hug and whispered, "i love you so much, you know that don't you darling?", and i replied "i love you too dad.". he said "i don't know what i'd have done without you being here."

people seem to think that sending me pointless "friend fwd" emails are just what i need at this point in time.

i keep going through little spasms of different emotions: sadness, anger, disbelief, worry. at the moment i'm in the throws of an anger one, which i'm not enjoying at all. in reality i'm not that especially angry that bernie's gone, just wearily resigned to the fact. i'm so tired. i'm tired of being strong, i don't want to be the strong one anymore, i want to be the person who's life is simple and never has to be strong. i'm tired of planning outfits for funerals... i'm going to have to do that at some point tomorrow.

i haven't cried since the 13th january, when matt came round and i told him what had happened. i'd like to, i really would, but my body seems to be having other ideas. i've also got to be strong for my dad.

the funeral's on tuesday. i feel a bit sick whenever i think about it; the funeral will make things final.

last - next