counselling session
22nd January 2005, 5:37 pm

i went for my first counselling session on thursday morning at nine, where my counsellor (bernadette, ah the relevancy) basically assessed the situation i was in. this translates into her asking me endless amounts of questions, and then writing down random things i said. i must've talked for almost the entire fifty minutes; my voice was knacked by the end of it. she asked about the anxiety i felt, the way it made me feel, and what i do to relieve it. she asked about my mum, my family life, and also about bernie. finally she asked me about my exams, and how i felt my revision was going.

the thing was, she'd write down things that i'd said that i hadn't even realised i had said, if that makes sense. that and she'd show little sentences i'd said as being very important, when i'd said them with a throwaway air. for example, i'd said "i'm not a very emotional person" and then gone on to talk about something else. she pulled that out at the end, and said, "you say this, but it's completely the opposite. you're an extremely emotional person, you just don't express yourself very well." i'd never really thought of it in that way.

it was kind of strange... it felt like i was on a big self-pity bender, even though i remained calm throughout, and it didn't help that i had the horrible tickling feeling in my joints the whole time through. it felt weird someone taking such an interest in the way i felt and thought. the result of it was that bernadette thinks i have berevement issues, counselling issues and no academic confidence. she thinks i'm maybe dealing with bernie dying by obsessing over this - it's kind of a way for my feelings to come out. when my mum died i dealt with it by arguing with my dad for the next two years, so that actually makes sense.

i have my next session on thursday at three. no doubt we'll start by talking about bernie... i don't think i'll be able to stay strong throughout that. so far only hannah and vicky know in the house - i told vicky last night before i went to lisa's, that was a little scary but she was fine about it - i probably need to let some of the others know too. i just feel stupid saying, "by the way, i'm seeing a counsellor because i've become obsessional about my health". doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, you know?

went round to lisa's last night, and had a really lovely time. hadn't seen her since before christmas, and time just rocketed by. i only realised i should be getting home when vicky texted at midnight saying, "hey, hope you're okay, little worried as i don't want you walking through scary crookes at night on your own". i'd told her i'd probably be about around elevenish. me and lisa seem to be getting on the way we used to now... i think we've finally both dealt with everything that's happened in the past, and are just getting on with being best friends again. it's fantastic.

came back gone midnight, and then stayed up till gone two talking to hannah. the lads don't want rich to live with them next year, as opposed to rich not wanting to live with him (the situation before). the whole thing stinks of matt manipulation, and i have no idea how rich is feeling. i worry that something like this is all he needs to just give up on uni and go home. matt and dave are coming round tonight some time, i can see me having a stupid arguement with matt over it, and saying things that i shouldn't.

revision's going okayish.

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