fingers crossed
23rd February 2005, 4:34 pm

i've managed to tell everyone in the house bar becky about my counselling, and the situation surrounding it. i won't tell becky, seeing as we hardly know each other, and it'd just feel too weird sitting down and telling her... i might ask mel to just mention it to her or something. everyone's been really good about it though, and that makes me feel a lot more safe and secure at home. it also means that people realise why i'm so up-and-down at the moment... manically happy one minute, really low the next, and they've all said they won't take offense to anything that i say by accident.

i rang my dad on monday night and let him know too. that didn't go so well... i think i caught him completely by surprise, and phrased things completely wrong, such as saying "they thought it'd be a good idea for me to tell you" as opposed to "i wanted to tell you". and he just wasn't saying anything, so i just kept on talking and talking, but stating the facts rather than putting the emotional side across. i ended the phonecall pretty quickly, and felt pretty shitty afterwards. i wanted him to have sounded like he cared more, to have bee more sympathetic.

he emailed me the next day, and said sorry for sounding so weird. it's helped somewhat, but i still feel a little wary of ringing him again now, and talking about how everything's going. C said that i have to follow up the initial phonecall with lots more, and that it'll get easier to talk to him with practise. i'm not so sure.

em's really depressed at the moment too. last saturday, at her skiing social, some drunk guy fell in the pool and nearly drowned, and her and a couple of other guys fished him out. it's really freaked her out, though she's not quite sure why it's affected her so much, and she's having trouble sleeping and keeping it together in general. i gave her the counselling number last night, told her to give them a ring. we're going to start an insomniacs club too, seeing as i'm always having problems sleeping.

only got about three hours last night, so consequently knackered. also starting to feel increasingly shit, god i hate this.

C said i seemed "tired and wobbly" when i saw her yesterday, which was true. she said it was good that i was feeling crappy though, as it shows i'm going through grief. i didn't realise i was grieving, but i guess i am now, in a way.

i went to see dr warren on monday. he was fantastic; i explained the whole situation to him and he was really understanding. said it was fine for me to miss bits of lectures, and that he'd had lots of cases of people not being able to handle the dissecting modules, and that they'd never had someone who they hadn't been able to help. me and him are going to try me going back into the dissecting room tomorrow afternoon at 2pm, just to see how i handle it. i'm starting to dread it already, which isn't good. fingers crossed.

it's really snowy in sheffield at the moment. i didn't go to either of my lectures today, partly because i was knackered through lack of sleep and partly because it was blowing a blizzard outside. shall probably not leave the house for the rest of the day, it's just too white and cold.

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