Bad day II
03.05.06, 7:05 pm

Okay, so clearly I should not be allowed to write spontaneous entries, because they never sound even half decent or coherent. I shall now try and write a slightly less ridiculous entry, and attempt to sound less like I�m twelve. About half an hour after I wrote the original, whilst I was lying on my bed playing guitar in an attempt to make myself feel better, Rich rang me and offered to take me offroading again. I said yes, and he picked me up outside the house after about five minutes. As we were driving up to the Peak District he asked me how I was, and I said that I�d been better. And then we just drove in silence and it was nice, because he knew he didn�t have to bother trying to make me feel better and I knew I didn�t have to pretend that I was feeling alright really.

It�s a sunny day today, and consequently the Peaks were absolutely gorgeous. I do love the outdoors. Rich took us hurtling up and down these tiny dirt tracks, with his ancient green landy that�s practically held together with duct tape, and at one point I found myself thinking that we�d probably end up tipping over and bursting into flames, and then laughing out loud because I didn�t actually care � it was just so nice to be out and appreciating nature and not feeling so sad. Plus Rich is one of the best drivers I know, and he�d never mess up.

So yeah, health-wise I�m far from good at the moment. I�ve honestly never felt this tired in my life, it�s like the tiredness is taking over my entire existence. My legs felt like jelly today, and keep cramping, and I�m finding it hard to focus on things without squinting. Talking requires so much energy, and I get the feeling that I sound really rude at times. As for the SEH thing, well I know all the kids and everyone in the world thinks I�m totally obsessed with it, and that it�s the stupidest thing ever, but something�s not right. I know something�s not right, and I�m the biggest expert on the pissing thing. It shouldn�t kick at night, that�s the one time it shouldn�t kick, and it shouldn�t feel like it�s spasming out of control. It�s scaring me a lot, partly because the whole anxiety gig�s centred on it but also because I know it�s wrong. It�s making me wary about trying to fall asleep.

As for my gran, yeah she�s not great. I rang her last night, and she�s going in for her MRI scan in about a week. Her doctor thinks her nerves have got tangled up somewhere, and is doing the scan to see if that�s the case, and whether they can offer any kind of treatment. She�s now got complete numbness in one of her feet all the time, which was consequently stopped her from driving. She sounded completely despondent on the phone, and I couldn�t think of any bullshitty-science stuff to make her feel better like I usually can. She doesn�t think she�s going to get better again, and neither do I.

I�m currently hiding in my room, avoiding everyone because they�ll ask me how I am and I get the feeling I may start crying. The Paddy stuff is, if course, dying to jump on this Train of Woe and make me feel even worse, but I�m fighting it off as best as possible. Sorry, I didn�t mean to dump all this depression on everyone after my yay Paris spiel before; I think it�s a case of everything shit that�s happened over the past few months deciding that it wants some kind of reaction from me, and that today is just the perfect day for it. Becky and Mel are going to want to know what the hell is wrong with me, and I honestly don�t have the energy to explain it all to them. However, I�m sure Paris will do me the world of good, and that I�ll feel better in time.

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