It's just not me to wear it on my sleeve
30.05.06, 5:47 pm

I haven�t written about Paddy in a while, mainly because it�s so much easier to just not think about it. For some reason, sitting on my bed with my huge ring binder revising Cancer Biology was the perfect time for a random memory of him to pop into my head� just a simple, pleasant memory of us sitting in Bar One drinking lager and talking about how we�d love to trek around America in one of those camper van type things. I think he�s now going to be stuck in my head for a good few hours. I put his photo back up again a couple of weeks ago, after keeping it in my top drawer for ages. Your House by Jimmy Eat World is a song that portrays it so much better than I ever could, and as I said, thinking about it is not the funnest thing ever, but I will say that continuing to be close friends with him hurts quite a lot sometimes. Not always, but sometimes (most times). And I don�t like to quote lyrics, for reasons I won�t write for fear of offending people, but I will just write one line from that song: �I had you once, no I can�t forget that, sometimes I wish I could lose you again�.

So, great stress has been reigning in this house over the last few days (not from me) with people having exams and essays in and shit. And then yesterday Mel slipped over the edge and went into this crazy panic attack, because she�s not been sleeping very well and gets incredibly stressed about her exams, despite working all hours of the day, and was talking about deferring her exams and having to graduate a year late and everything. It resulted in me making her lie on my bed with her feet above her head and listen to some Beethoven (Pastorale, because I love the 2nd Movement so very much) whilst I sat on the floor next to her and revised some Cancer, just to get her to calm down a bit. It didn�t seem to help much though, so in the end her parents arrived in the evening (through mechanics I won�t bother going into) and stayed the night, and although at the time of writing this I haven�t seen her yet, I think it�s probably helped.

I can�t actually imagine ever getting that stressed about an exam� I don�t think I�ve ever been that stressed about anything. Whenever I�m sat revising I just end up thinking, �God, I don�t understand this� but who cares because I�m sleepy� and then I�ll just flop back and doze for an hour. Sleep is the most seductive thing ever, and I�m just too lazy. But yeah, yesterday was not fun, as I didn�t really know what to do to calm her down, and I also had my own exams to revise for, and it�s kind�ve hard doing a toss-up between your exams and your friend�s welfare. In the end I rang Becky for twenty minutes and loaded it all onto her, which I�m sure she appreciated. I wish she were still around. However, saying that Becky decided to text me at quarter past eight this morning just to say �Too early, way way way too early!� as she�s starting back at work, which completely ruined the dream I was having about shooting various baddies with a big gun. I have a lot of killing dreams and I have no idea why.

I wrote all that this lunchtime, when I clearly should have been doing some bloody revision. Since then I�ve done the Cancer exam � seemed to go not bad (hopefully) � and come home and seen Mel and then Em, who got back from Newcastle a wee while ago. Mel seems a bit better, and her exam went okay today, but her dad�s apparently coming back either tonight or tomorrow morning and staying here until Friday. Her dad�s is possibly the sweetest guy ever, and so very different from mine. God, why do I insist on bringing up my stupid family issues at every given opportunity. Anyway, Em�s now home, which means she can sit with Mel if she gets bad tonight and I can do some revision for my last exam tomorrow. From half three onwards tomorrow I shall be exam free, and am planning on sitting in the Interval beer garden with Paddy and B and drinking pitchers of pimms until the sun goes down. You just know that it�s going to be drunken texts for all.

And to finish off this entry (I originally typed exam there) with the subject that I started with: this afternoon as Paddy walked back to his desk from the front of the exam hall he smiled at me and winked, and my heart just broke� again. This entry sounds kind�ve melancholy and I�m actually in a not bad mood; I just felt like writing about the stuff that I haven�t managed to talk to anyone about.

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