Mood swinging
05.03.07, 8:34 pm

I�m sorry it�s been so long since I last wrote. The last two weeks have been utterly horrible, and I�ve tried to write about it on a few occasions and just given up. Basically the Pill that I started taking gave me the most horrendous mood swings and depression, and although I stopped taking it as soon as I realised this it�s taking a long, long time to get out of my system. These mood swings + recurrent �flu also cranked up my anxiety gig something chronic. I�ve basically been a complete shell of myself.

I wish I were talking in hyperboles, but unfortunately not. For the first few days I started getting terrifyingly depressed thoughts along the lines of, �What�s the point in life? I mean why do we bother, what�s there actually to look forward to in life? What reason do I have to get through the day?� I had to sit and try and sell the idea of life to myself; it was so scary. I think I�ve cried just about every day for the last week and a half, and that�s a hell of a lot of times for someone as emotionally stunted as myself. Here�s just one example of the craziness:

Me and James were meant to go to the cinema one Sunday night, and immediately before I suddenly went incredibly tired and incredibly cold, but I figured it�d wear off eventually. Started driving, and without warning a huge wave of sadness just arrived and I felt utterly depressed.
�Are you okay?�
�I�ve suddenly gone really sad.�
�Oh no. Oh that�s not good. Are you sad about anything in particular?�
�No� that�s just it. There�s no reason for it; I�m just sad.�
We eventually parked up beside the cinema, and James turned to me and said, �We don�t have to go, you know. It�s up to you; I don�t mind.�
I stared at the dashboard for a while, finally said, �I think I want to go home� in a husky voice and then bust into tears. James was very sweet and drove me back to his house, holding my hand between every gear change. He then wrapped me in a duvet on his sofa with a cup of tea, and I proceeded to fall asleep on him during various points of Top Gear and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Being a complete emotional basket case is clearly quite tiring.

That�s the ridiculous thing though� when I suddenly feel very sad, it�s not about anything in particular. It just feels like the world�s ending, and I inevitably end up sobbing. Trying to remain calm at work has been an interesting experience. I�ve missed out a lot of details to this whole saga but I don�t want to write about it too much.

James has been really really good actually, especially when my anxiety craziness was at its peak, and let me snuggle up and snuffle on him on more than one occasion. Unfortunately he�s currently in Italy with his dad on holiday, and won�t be back until Sunday. Although the anxiety gig is slowly receding again I�m now terrified of being on my own in case I freak out, and so have to be around people constantly. My friends have all been brilliant about it and I feel very loved.

Also, my sister rang me last night and told me that a French taxi driver assaulted her last weekend, with the intention of trying to rape her, but she managed to get away. She�s okay now, but it�s still fucking horrific. So yeah, that�s why I�ve been gone so long. I haven�t cried for the last two days though, so I�m hoping I�m over the worst of it.

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