Email to Becky
08.05.08, 9:34 pm

Hey chicken,

So, I spoke to Alice last night about the whole tree thing, and she basically doesn't want to come. She doesn't feel like she needs to mark it in any way, and doesn't see any problem with the way that everything was dealt with originally. And I mean, I know everyone has their own way of dealing with things etc, but I'm just unable to understand why someone wouldn't want to acknowledge someone dying in some way... it just seems beyond strange.

I told her that I was angry at my dad for the way things were handled, and she started asking if I'm therefore angry at her too, as she didn't do anything to change things 9 years ago or whatever. I guess technically I should be, as I'm angry at my dad for the same reasons, but I'm not, because my dad was the responsible adult. I have a weird set of emotions at the moment... I think it's a mixture of disappointment that she doesn't want to come (although hasn't definitely ruled out coming, but I know that's because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings), anger at the way the whole death was dealt with, because it's given me so many issues to deal with, and just general grief. I think I'm also angry because neither my dad or my sister seem aware of how everything has affected me, and the problems I've had with bottling things up and not being able to talk about my mum at all. I mean, you know what I'm like... it's like it never happened. I just can't seem to talk about it.

I guess it boils down to the fact that I have all this unresolved anger about everything, directed towards my dad, and I can either confront him about it or just let it go and move on. Thing is, I don't think confronting him is going to do me or our relationship any good at all, so that means I need to just let it go. I don't know how to do that though... I suspect part of me doesn't want to, because feeling angry is a lot easier and more satisfying than what will be left, which is just straightforward grief. I think a naive part of me believes that if my mum's death had been dealt with in a healthier way, with people talking and there being a grave or something, then I'd feel less devastated about it now, but I don't really think that that would be the case.

Thankyou for listening to all this.

Love Hol xxx

last - next