In memory of Linda
08.08.08, 11:13 am

I am currently at work with nothing to do, which is why you�re getting an entry on a Friday morning. Nobody is in today bar me� it�s a bit on the lonely side. Anyway, I�ve only spent one night in my own bed this week and have been sleeping dreadfully regardless, so apologies if this entry is utter literary bollocks.

So, pretty shitty week. I realise that my last 856 entries have all been pretty miserable � I don�t want to give the impression that my life is nothing but blood, sweat and tears; I�ve just found it useful to write about the wanky stuff recently. Anyway, this week has actually been genuinely miserable, and given I have multiple hours to kill, the world is going to hear about it.

On Monday, during an early coffee break (due to the power being off in the whole hospital so that the emergency generator could be tested), I suddenly had a text from Lindz to let me know that her mum, Linda, had died of a heart attack. Lindz is one my oldest friends, though our friendship has become rather strained over the last few years owing to various shitty reasons, but essentially her family is my family. Her brother committed suicide a few years back, and her dad died around the same time that Bernie died. Linda was the most special though. She was a second mother to me, so so wonderful when I was struggling to comprehend my mum�s death and unsure of what to do with myself. She used to say that she had two daughters, which was such a lovely thing to hear.

The funeral was on Tuesday, up in Newcastle. As soon as I found out, after sitting outside in the Medical School car park for a while in shock, I went back up to the lab and rang Mel to see if she could help me. The long and the short of it was that she could, so Indie (in Sheffield for reasons I won�t bother going in to) picked me up from work, took me home and helped me pick out my funeral outfit. That afternoon I got on a train to Newcastle, where Mel�s incredible family, with barely four hours� notice, picked me up from the station, took me home with them, fed me, let me stay the night, and then ferried me across the county the next morning to Ashington, a good 45 minutes away, so that I could go to the funeral. They then hung around for an hour, before picking me up again and taking me back to the station for my return train. Without them I couldn�t have gone, and I am so indebted to them.

The funeral itself was not good. Standard had come up from Hucknall too, having got a train late Monday night, and I was grateful that she was there, but I didn�t really like the service. It was very impersonal, though Standard said that Linda would have liked it as it was understated, though I�m not sure. I spoke to Lindz after, which was horrible. I kept repeating �I am so sorry� in a cracked voice like some kind of scratchy broken record. The card on my flowers read, �Thankyou for being like a mum to me when I needed it most. All my love, Holly�.

Train home was grim, as Standard want to talk about it all for the entire two hours, whereas I just wanted to sleep. I went to my friend Katie�s once I got back to Sheffield, as I didn�t want to go back home, and stayed the night. Didn�t sleep a wink. I was fine until I closed my eyes, and then suddenly the funeral kept playing over and over again in my head. Went back to work on Wednesday, went to Katie�s for a bit after work, had a chat with her about how weird I felt, had a hug and then went home. And then Thursday I went down to Notts after work to go visit my gran, who had an operation on her spine Wednesday afternoon. She�s come out of the operation fine, and can move her feet a lot more than before, and generally seems to have improved a massive amount. She was also incredibly pleased to see me, so I think I scored massive brownie points. I then spent Thursday night at Indie�s, who ferried me to and from the hospital, didn�t sleep again due to guilt, and then got the train back to work today. And so here we are.

I feel awful. Hideously guilty because I don�t feel like I feel sad enough. The whole thing is incredibly sad, because Linda was such a wonderful person and so amazing to me, and incredibly tragic because Lindz has now lost her entire immediate family. It�s not continuously in my thoughts though. Most of this week, I have just gotten on as normal, having normal conversations and laughing. It must seem like I don�t care, but I do, I care so much. I just have this insane ability to box bad things away and not let them affect me. I�m sure it�s hideously unhealthy, and not the way I want to do things at all, but I can�t help it. It�s just ingrained. I also feel guilty for not going to Len�s funeral, even though it was four years ago. I could have done, as it wasn�t on an exam day, but didn�t, because I had Bernie�s in the same week and couldn�t face two at once, even though Linda had asked me to ride in the cars with them, like family. I should have gone, but I didn�t, because I am selfish. Lindz and Linda came to Bernie�s funeral but I didn�t go to Len�s because I am selfish.

The one thing this whole week has shown me is that I have the most incredible friends ever, who never fail to amaze me with the lengths that they will go for me. When I am with them I feel better. And as numerous people have said throughout time, it is always the good people who die young.

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