Of 'Droid and CT scans
08.09.08, 6:53 pm

So, another horrible trip to Amanda�s house. Because I now visit my dad so infrequently, I end up forgetting how dreadful going home is, to the point where I start to convince myself that the main problem is that I don�t give Amanda a chance, and am subconsciously cold-shouldering her. So this weekend I arrived with every intention of being friendly, interested in her life and generally very nice. And then she was still a complete hell-bitch.

When me and James arrived my dad was out, so we were stuck with the �Droid for about half an hour. I tried to chat to her, and all we did was talk about her life, and her problems, along with the usual rudeness and unfriendliness. I tell you, she made pretty clear that I was about as welcome as a heart attack. My dad then arrived, and was pleased to see me, and then Amanda then made it very clear that they had Plans on Sunday, and that we should leave as quickly as possible come the morning as the Plans could not be delayed. Especially not by her husband�s daughter whom he hadn�t seen since February.

My dad�s actual gig was really good � they did a load of old rock songs like In The Midnight Hour and Everybody Needs Somebody, but then we didn�t leave until midnight, which made me grumpy because I started off the day quite tired. There were enough of us for two cars and James was asked to drive, and I didn�t realise until later on that the sole reason was so �Droid could spend the night getting pissed, as she has an enormous car that she could have driven. Apart from that it was just the usual childish jealousy shit � pawing at my dad whenever he was sat down (I�m his daughter, not the other bloody woman) and following him around everywhere so that I never saw him on his own. One of Amanda�s friends had also come along � I was instantly suspicious as Amanda�s friends have to either be very brave souls or mentally imbalanced � and she was also made to feel like a complete third wheel.

And it turns out that they�re now not coming down on the 20th, which I am so very UNSURPRISED BY. I rang my dad last night and enquired if they were still coming down, despite knowing already that they weren�t as I�d seen that Amanda had scribbled out my name on the calendar and written �My birthday!� in instead, which pretty much sums up the whole situation. I don�t really understand, as she was there when my dad suggested that date, so it�s not like she wasn�t aware before. And she clearly doesn�t want to see me on her birthday, which is fine, because I definitely wouldn�t want to see her on mine. No, the worst bit about it is that my dad proceeded to make up a bullshit excuse about how they�re going down to Ludlow that day to see Amanda�s mother, �as [they] haven�t see her for about two years�, despite seeing her about a fortnight ago. Please don�t lie to me; I�d rather you just admitted that Amanda wants to do something other than come down and see me on her birthday. So they�re apparently going to come down in October sometime, after they�ve gotten back from Paris, but I wouldn�t hold your breath. Yeah, they�ll toddle off to Paris to see Alice in order to get a free holiday (three times so far this year), but they won�t ever come and visit me, who lives a mere hour away.

I realise this may sound slightly whiney, as it�s not like I adore Amanda and want to spend bags of time with her. I just think it�s a bit sad that my dad hasn�t ever come and visited me the entire time I�ve lived in Sheffield. It�s always me who has to go see him. He can�t have his cake and eat it... he can�t moan on about how he never gets to see me, and feels like we�re drifting apart, and then make fuck all effort to do something about it.

I met up with Lisa on Sunday for lunch, which was nice, especially as she agreed with everything I said about Amanda. And then spent the rest of the day reading. Amanda stress puts quite a dampener on your weekend.

Just got back from swimming � me and Katie are currently on a new health kick, and are going twice a week. It�s frustrating because I can�t do it for long, but I�ll hopefully get stronger eventually. I was hoping that it would ease my stress levels, but whenever I think of Amanda I still feel like booting her down the stairs. I guess I now know that I have definitely tried everything, and that it isn�t my fault that she�s a haggard old twatface. She will be a haggard old twatface until the day she dies, regardless of what I say or do. That, at least, is comforting.

Finally, I�ve now got a date for my CT scan: 9th October. I have to have yet another blood test before then to check my kidney function. Quite nervous about it (the CT, not the blood test. Obviously.), so am taking Katie along to hold my hand. Need to go do some guitar practise now. Oh, and probably eat something.

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