Lying with you half awake, stumbling over what to say
14.04.09, 9:45 pm

Just had pretentious twenty minutes trying to write a song, and am now going to do an update before I sink into a slovenly stupor and spend the rest of the evening watching Robin Hood on catch-up (guilty pleasure).

Completely drunken Easter in Dumfries, once again. I imagine my liver is none too happy with me right now. James�s family were as lovely as they always are, and made me feel like part of the family. It�s always a bit mixed when I go up north, because whilst 85% of me just enjoys being there, 15% feels sad that my family isn�t more like them. Which is stupid and pointless, I know, but my dad showing even a vague interest in my life would be lovely. He tries, I�m sure, but I don�t think he tries very hard.

Anyway, we saw James�s granddad a few times, and went for lots of walks as the weather was gorgeous, and it was just nice. My freckles have started to come out, but I guess that can�t be helped. Got back to Sheffield yesterday afternoon after a dreadful drive � people who own caravans SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO USE PUBLIC ROADS. Caravans overtaking other caravans = PAINFULLY SLOW EXPERIENCE. In short, four hours spent sweltering in a tiny tin box is not the best way to spend your Easter Monday. Once we got home we immediately bought some beer from the off-licence, got a bit pissed (cue sad liver) and had random drunken sex instead of cooking some tea because that�s what enforced celibacy does to a person.

It was lovely spending lots of uninterrupted time with James though, and confirmed to me that despite the fact that we�ve been together for a very long time now, the feelings are just as strong and exciting as they were at the beginning. I�m in so deep now, and if I�m honest I find it completely terrifying, because it goes against everything that comes naturally to me. I am not a sharer. I can�t wear my emotions on my sleeve; I can�t talk about certain things even now; I hate the idea of relying on anybody, of being dependent. And then this boy comes along who�s so amazing, and who seems to think that everything I am is amazing too, and I just don�t know what I�d do if he ever left. Hence the feelings of terror. Sorry, that went all mushy without me even meaning it to.

In exciting news, I�m going to learn to drive again. I have decided that it�s high time I got my bloody licence, despite not being able to afford even the shittest of cars. I�m hoping that driving is like riding a bike, and that I�ll remember all of it as soon as I put my foot down on the clutch again. And then maybe, eventually, I�ll scrape up enough money to buy a rusty old Volvo, so that I don�t have to be ferried about the place like a princess.

I think Robin Hood�s calling. T � 4 days until The Bridesmaid Dresses. I�ve no idea what everyone�s talking about... I can�t imagine a better colour combination than brown and turquoise. I�m just surprised that no one�s thought about it sooner. Why plump for a lovely royal blue or emerald green when you can have your bridesmaids looking like birds� eggs on legs?

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