Of the boy and palpitations
07.07.10, 9:07 pm

I know that I said I�d do an Alaska entry next, but I think I need to do a vaguely angsty entry instead. Now, I don�t really like writing angsty entries as a rule: I always have a huge urge to delete them two hours later, because I feel that I sound whiny and melodramatic. I also think that they�re a lot less fun to read than my usual mundane WORK IS CRAP AND JAMES IS FINE AND TODAY I SAW TWO SQUIRRELS CROSSING THE ROAD entries. However, I shall endeavour to try and sound as unridiculous as I can, and not go on too much.

Firstly, the LandBaron has found someone to buy her house, after successfully concealing its huge problem of damp by just wallpapering over it and then pretending it never existed. This obviously means that I will have to move out pretty bloody soon, and this then obviously means that it�s time to have the Second Chat About Possibly Moving In With James. I do not want to have this chat. I do not want a rerun of last time, where James didn�t want to talk about it and walked off, I got very annoyed, and then we did talk about it and it was like extracting blood from a stone and nothing got decided on. All of the crap from last time still stands as well: if he doesn�t want me to move in, then it raises certain issues about the relationship. If he does want me to move in but is worried about how it�ll work... well, I can�t do anything about that until I actually DO move in. Oh God, it all seems so simple in my head, but for some reason it�s definitely not simple in the boy�s head. Why are things never simple in boys� heads?

Secondly, my stupid palpitating heart is not happy again JUST FOR A CHANGE, JESUS CHRIST. I don�t understand why I can�t just ignore the palpitations. I have been told by the doctors that everything is fine, and my head knows this, but for some reason this isn�t good enough for the stupid little voice in my head that says, �Shit, what was that? Why�s your heart playing up? Do you think it�s going to do it again, and then again, and then suddenly slip into defib? Do you? Do you?� The thing is, these palpitations are never going to go away, and likely as not, going to get steadily more frequent the older that I get. And I definitely get them more whenever I�m ill with something. I need to get used to them, and just stop caring about them completely. I had a long angst session on the phone to Mel last night, and she suggested that I try a psychologist again to sort out all my boring childhood death shit that is probably the cause for all this excess worrying and fixation on something that�s essentially a benign condition. I don�t know whether I want to do this or not; I am really fed up of going on and ON about things that happened a long time ago now, and I�d also not want to have to tell people that I�m having to see a psychologist. I also find it incredibly frustrating that I know exactly what my feelings are and why I feel the way I do, and that I know my character flaws and how they impact on my life, and yet this isn�t enough to fix the issue. Surely knowing that I have huge problems with talking about my feelings of loss and sadness and worry about death should be enough to solve all of this? Talking about the people that I�ve lost makes me tense and unhappy, because I don�t want to have to remember the emotions that I had to feel because they are horrible. It�s a defence mechanism. I know all of this, so WHY DOESN�T THIS SOLVE THE ISSUE?

Finally, I really want to buy either a PS3 or an Xbox and I don�t know which one to go for. And yes, this is me signing off flippantly to try and convince myself not to delete this entry. PS3 or Xbox though: seriously, which one?

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