Of packing up and moving
02.08.10, 5:42 pm

Holly Towers is relocating to James Mansion. Metaphorically, obviously, and not in a weird smutty euphemistic way either. In other words, we have finally had The Chat II and have agreed that I should move in. I thought about things for a while, and then decided that the easiest way to persuade James was to give him a get-out clause, and so suggested that we see me moving in as a trial period arrangement, and that if it didn�t work then I would move straight back out again. He agreed. Aha, I win!

So yeah, it�s really happening. Long-time readers will realise that this is a Big Deal, because I am freakishly commitment-phobic and think that arranging a holiday six months in advance is tempting fate somewhat, as well as being a bit rubbish at expressing emotions. Needless to say, the idea of living with someone else � of seeing them every day, building my life around them, depending on them � is freaking me out a little. It has to be done though. Come December, James and I will have been together for 4 years, and it�s time to take the plunge. I can do this dependency thing... I know I can.

Packing�s really boring, though. I�ve somehow become a weird hoarder of utter rubbish, despite swearing never to become one after witnessing the insane levels of hoarding that my Welsh grandma went to (old bits of wrapping paper, pieces of string, instruction manuals for hot water bottles etc). Why do I have so many books? And DVDs? And bank statements from 2001? And lurid shades of eye shadow that hurt my eyes to look at? The only thing to do is become completely ruthless, and so I am throwing things away left right and centre, trying not to think about the emotional attachments.

It�s also quite difficult at times, finding things from the past that just kick you in the stomach. A letter from my friend, Lindz, saying that I�ll always be welcome at her parents� house � �pop in any time, even in 20 years� time, because they�ll almost definitely still be there (that�s if they�re still alive!)� Both of Lindz�s parents and her brother, my second family, were dead within 7 years. Books that my parents gave me for Christmases from my childhood, where my mum had written inside the front cover. Photos of her that I�d smuggled out of the photo albums from the attic of my dad�s house. Sometimes I wonder if I�ll hang onto those things forever, refusing to throw them out because it feels too wrong.

In other exciting news, this email has happened:

Hey Dad,

Yep think I can make it that weekend so I'll be there. And no probs about the gurdy case! I just had two requests...

Can things be a bit different next time when me and Hol come and see you? When we were there last weekend it just kind of felt like you and Amanda were doing exactly what you would have been doing had we not been there - which seemed a bit weird since we hadn't seen you for 7 months! I'm not asking for a massive fanfare or anything - just maybe a bit more of an effort for us to catch up properly, chat and do something rather than just tagging on to your typical weekend routine. I found it a bit peculiar that you two were sat chatting in the garden in the evening like you would normally do and me and Hol were left by ourselves - and the same at the allotment, and the same the next morning when you were reading the papers in bed. And why does Amanda always seem to want to drag you to bed really early every time we're all together?!!

I know Amanda can be a bit possessive of you, so I wanted to suggest that me, you and Hol try and have some time when it's just the three of us. I can't remember the last time when we had that - even when I call you Amanda's sat in the kitchen with you so it's like I'm having a conversation with both of you at the same time. It just feels like we're growing distant and I don't like it, and I think Hol feels the same.

I'm really happy that you're happy and I don't want to create any problems - just think we should have a chat and talk about how things are. Maybe give me a call from work or something so we can talk properly? I don't want Amanda to get upset or take this whole thing the wrong way so I wanted to talk it over with you first and then figure out what we do.

Lots of love Al xx

My dad has not replied yet, which obviously bodes well. And he�s almost certainly shown Amanda the email, which will definitely help. James and I are going up for my dad�s birthday this weekend; we�re going for a celebratory curry. I hope it�s not going to be tense and weird. I�m also moving into James�s this weekend, so the whole two days could be a stressy nightmare.

Seeing Mel this Friday, thank Christ, and have booked the day off work specially. Have not seen the Geordie for months, and plus would quite like to rope her into helping me shift some boxes. Anyway, I�d better get back to the packing.

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