Of James's Grandad
08.01.11, 8:51 pm

James's grandad died this morning. It's all been a bit shit and nightmarish � I got back to my desk yesterday afternoon to a voicemail from James, saying that he was on his way to Scotland as his grandad wasn't going to make it, and to ring him because he hadn't left Sheffield yet. Except, he hadn't at the time, but by the time I had rang him he had, and so I was left behind. Anyway, his grandad had basically picked up a chest infection, and the doctors had made the decision not to medicate him for it, as it was just prolonging the inevitable and would not improve his quality of life in the long run. James rang this morning and said that it had all been very peaceful, and that everyone had been there.

I feel very strange - not that it's all about me, of course, but then again this is my journal and so you only really hear about my feelings. I was really annoyed at myself for not having my phone on me, which is obviously a bit irrational and stupid, and also really sad, both because I really liked James's grandad and because I couldn't be there for James in person. I even cried on the way home from work... thankfully it was very dark and no one noticed.

He was 93, so had a good innings etc. And I got to see him over Christmas, which is something. It's just shitty and sad, and I think knowing that James is really upset is more painful for me than if I were really upset. I guess that's what love does to you. On a selfish note, I think it's also affecting me because it's my mum's anniversary next week, and just enforces the fact that January is the worst of the months. Just to prove this fact further: I have the dentist on Wednesday, and will undoubtedly need a crown. Frigging great.

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