Session Three - Assessment
05.09.11, 5:25 pm

I have not taken a beta-blocker for this session; it appears that I am comfortable enough with Huckleberry to not need one, which is a nice feeling. However, I am not in the best of moods: the constant discussion of my ectopics and backstory mean that they are on my mind a LOT � much more than on an average week � and I am consequently feeling a little ragged.

'So, shall we make a plan for the session?' asks Huckleberry. I agree. 'Okay, great � what do you want to talk about?'

I remember what Mel said about how I have to be as honest and as open as possible, and so decide to tell him that I have been feeling despondent about things. How I feel as if the problem is so huge and so entwined within my life that it will be too difficult to entirely 'cure' myself. How all the questionnaires and measurements that we were doing were all well and good, but that it would only take one time of lots of unprovoked ectopics to take me right back to square one.

'I think my other problem is that I obviously have a huge fear of dying because I don't believe that anything comes afterwards. I don't believe in God � not really � and so the idea of there being nothing afterwards is really scary... where does my 'soul' go, as it were? And because I can't answer the question of what happens after death � because no one knows � I will never be able to completely cure that fear � it will always be there to a certain extent.' I can feel a lump forming in my throat and suddenly wish that one of my friends was in the room with me, holding my hand.

Huckleberry does not seem perturbed by my comments; on the contrary, he looks completely unsurprised. He explains that the feeling of despondency is completely natural and to be expected. 'At the moment we're assessing your problem and not actually acting on it. Consequently, you're much more aware of it, and are doing nothing differently because we haven't started the practical work yet. It makes sense that you would feel despondent � I would be more concerned if you felt really happy about things, because that would suggest that we're not doing things right.'

He then goes on to tell me that having a fear of death is a natural thing � that it's healthy and good for survival. My problem is that I have an exaggerated response to it, and that what we need to do is work at turning the volume back down. This sounds both great and a hell of a lot more difficult than he's making out.

We move on to continuing with the assessment, namely describing the geographical spaces where the problem is better. I describe how I feel better when I'm out in the open (easy to normalise the situation when I see people walking around doing normal things; being outside is a pleasant and freeing experience), at home with James (James will look after me if something bad happens), when I'm having sex (because sex is really fun, and I'd rather carry on having the fun than worry about ectopics) and when I'm in the car (the movement of the engine means that I can't feel my heartbeat, and so can't tell if I'm having ectopics or not).

'What do you mean, 'when something bad happens'?' asks Huckleberry.

'Something serious will happen to my heart.'

'Like what?'

I feel a burst of annoyance � I know what he's doing. 'Okay fine � I'll go into VF (ventricular fibrillation) and die.'

'When you speak you normally talk in code,' he says. 'I mean, you know that, don't you?'

'Yes.'

'Eventually I want you to say everything literally and say it literally all the time. That way we can desensitize you to it.'

'I'll start doing it now,' I say with a flash of fear. Saying it out loud might make it happen, is the amazingly illogical insight that my brain comes up with. This is the kind of bollocks that I'm up against.

'No, keep in code to start with,' says Huckleberry. 'I mean, we can just throw you in at the deep end and get you on a treadmill and make you have gazillions of ectopics. That's called flooding. I'd rather not with you, though � I want to do things gradually otherwise you'll just draw back. We need to be kind to you.'

For some reason this hits me quite hard. I guess it's the usual case of it being a lot more difficult to be stoic if people are being nice to you rather than being harsh to you.

We talk about the part of the brain called the amygdala � the primal part of the brain that's basically to do with eating, shagging and fight-or-flight. This is where my fear of my ectopics is embedded � it's a quick and dirty reflex to a scary situation, and is why simply trying to think the problem away isn't working, because the cerebral cortex isn't really involved. We have to try and throw a spanner in the works by changing the way I react to the ectopics.

Finally, Huckleberry gives me my homework for the week. I'm to keep an eye out for a situation where I am expecting to experience ectopics, and to then note my symptoms, thoughts and behaviours (coping mechanisms) before, during and after the event, with particular attention to which behaviours made me feel better and for how long. After I make a note of this, he shows me out. I walk up the road and wait outside the church for James to come and pick me up, resisting the urge to have a bit of a cry.

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