Of soup and barium swallows
21.12.11, 11:48 am

It has been quite a stressful time of late. I became ill in late November, where I suddenly found that I couldn't swallow properly at all, as well as having a permanent tremor, losing the strength in my arms and legs, vomitting up what food I did manage to get down, and suffering trippy, hallucinogenic dreams every night where I woke up convinced I was dying. For two weeks I ate nothing but soup, ice-cream and the occasional bit of bread. To be honest it was absolutely hideous - I have not been that miserable in a long, long time, and was so worried that I had contracted something awful. It's weird how your brain goes into anxious overdrive when you're that run down... I'd flick between worrying that it was MND to MS to oesphageal cancer, and then back to MND, despite knowing how rare they were, and how I was completely the wrong age for them. Mostly though, I'd worry that it was the ME returning, returning worse than it had been before.

It was a crappy time. I'd spend my days shaking under a blanket on the sofa, dreading the arrival of hunger pangs, which meant I had to try and get something inside of me without feeling like I was choking. I haven't cried that much in a long, long time; I thought I was going mad. It was just... shit.

I went to a private ENT consultant, after the NHS appointment date meant that I would have been waiting forever, who peered down my throat and declared everything normal, though it was all raw and inflamed. He diagnosed possible acid reflux, put me on a stomach acid inhibitor, told me to avoid certain foods and neck Gaviscon like there was no tomorrow. I did all of this and it made sod all difference. I then started having serious muscle spasms, to the point where I couldn't fall asleep as I kept spasming myself awake.

After a week and a half off work, I dragged myself in to work to stop myself from going completely insane at home. Despite having to spend most of my time huddled in the canteen under a coat, it helped a little, thanks mainly to my fantastic friends, who came and sat with me and distracted me with iPhone games.

Finally, I had my barium swallow. Barium swallows are disgusting. You don't ever want to have one. Also, beforehand you're meant to swallow this sherbet stuff, which produces carbon dioxide in your stomach for a double contrast. They give you a spoonful along with a little cup of water, and you're supposed to swill the powder around your mouth and then swallow. Well, I did this, and the stuff started fizzing so much it literally exploded out of my mouth, and I ended up spitting it out all over myself and the x-ray room. Not my suavest hour.

Anyway, I drank the thick, chalky, repulsive barium and then had various x-rays taken, including some where I had to roll about on the bed in really quite a porny way. The radiologist said that he couldn't see anything abnormal at all, and no signs of reflux, which was obviously good. And then something miraculous happened. From that day on I was able to eat more freely, and after a few days could eat just about fine. Whether it was the healing power of barium, or just Sod's Law, I don't know. Slowly, the tremor and the weakness faded, and eventually I felt almost normal.

I say almost: I still have a weird throat and a weird ear and the doctor still thinks I have reflux and is making me carry on with the pills, but it's such an improvement from before. As an added bonus, I've lost so much weight from the enforced fast that I'm actively eating like a complete pudding, which is excellent news for the upcoming Christmas. The only thing that is still bothering me is sleeping, as, bar last night in some kind of freaky Christmas miracle, I am having nightly nightmares. They're not strictly nightmares either - they're the kind of weird, 'flu dreams you get where you're tripping out a bit and can't wake yourself up properly, and believe that utterly implausible things are real (like the bed being full of rats... that was a fun one), and you're shouting out and don't realise it. I think James is being driven slowly mad by it, but he's being very sweet and giving me lots of sleepy 2.a.m. cuddles.

So yeah, it's been pretty shitty. However, Christmas is almost upon us, and the thought of being off work for a fortnight is a joyous one indeed. I'm starting off and Dad and Amanda's (there was a huge argument a few weeks back culminating in Dad hanging up on me and Amanda calling me a cow, but that's a story for another time), then going to Mave the Rave's for the actual day, and then up to Scotland on the 27th. Therefore, the trajectory of happiness is very much in an upwards direction.

If I don't update before the big day, then a huge HAPPY CHRISTMAS! And to make sure the end of the entry is much happier than the beginning, here's a photo of me and the work gang in Rome, where we recently attended a conference.

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