Pregnancy test says no
02.06.16, 3:33 pm

Another month, another fail at getting knocked up. How does anyone actually get pregnant – what is the secret frickin’ formula? I was even duped into taking a pregnancy test, because I felt a bit odd, but no. I then made the mistake of Googling ‘How long did it take you to get pregnant?’ and read a whole message board’s worth of people going ‘3 weeks’ and ‘very first time we tried’ and ‘my boyfriend happened to breathe on me one night in his sleep’ God damn all of those cheery, lucky fuckos. Feel like going up to every mother in existence and asking her how long it took her to conceive, even though that’s a) not actually going to help and b) really, really weird.

So I spent the weekend feeling a bit sad, and then suddenly became sadder as I realised I’d be ovulating at the time that James’s parents were due to stay the weekend. This led to me demanding that James promise to have quiet sex with me regardless whilst we walked around Sainsbury’s doing the weekly shop. I THINK it was a genuine yes and not just a shut-up yes. It’d all be a hell of a lot easier if they didn’t do the hugely irritating thing of staying until Monday morning because they’re now retired and don’t have jobs to go home to. Oh God, I’m going to be doing ovulation testing whilst they’re around… where will I hide my pots of urine? What if I hide them in the bathroom cupboard and then for some reason they go in there through sheer nosiness and find them? What possible reason is there for them to exist?

We’ve bought a new car! A bigger, better car to ferry around the children that we currently do not have. James is very excited. I’m a bit excited but still HATE driving and avoid it at all costs. However, this car is an automatic so I’m hoping it’s going to transfer the Sheffield driving experience and stop me feeling like I’m about to kill myself and others at any second.

Speaking of James, he’s off to Europe for 5 days with work. He should be back before ovulation time, because everything, EVERYTHING in life is currently tied to egg o’clock. I was having my smear test last week (bonus Monday morning treat) and the nurse kept telling me to relax re. conceiving and just to enjoy it, but there is literally nothing to enjoy. James is being mostly brilliant about it all at the moment, but you can definitely see how some couples just end up hating each other after months and months of fruitless trying.

I’ve nearly completed Dark Souls 3. At least I’m good at PS4 computer games. That is undeniably something that I am talented at. Now I just need to get talented at making a baby.

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