A morning with C
27.09.05, 3:35 pm

Been sat staring at my keyboard for the past minute or so, trying to figure out how to start this entry. Fuck it, I'll just crash straight into the counselling subject and hope that I make some kind of sense.

Okay, so I had an appointment with C at 12pm today - I went in yesterday after my lecture and re-registered. Incidently, yesterday was a day of general shitty mood and bad lectures - I spent a lot of time on my own once I got back and was generally off. Hopefully no one noticed too much.

Sitting down in the waiting room bizarrely felt like coming home. I always find myself watching the other people waiting and wondering the reason that they're there for. I then wonder if they sit and ponder the same thing about me. And then I tell myself to get a life.

C came into the waiting room to collect me and I hysterically thought, "My god, what the hell are you doing here? Don't you remember how she used to make you feel?". It was too late by then though, obviously, and I instead followed her up to the usual room, sat down in the chair, put my water on the coaster, pulled my chair forward like I always did.

We talked things over, and she made me feel the usual mix of anger (shut up shut up SHUT UP with the stupid mock-innocent questions) and determination to get everything out of my system. As I don't feel up to going into it in any kind of detail right now, I'll summarize:

1. SEH is rife now I'm back at uni, and I'm worried that I'm going to have to go back to going on Propranolol to give me a normal day. Hating the fact that I may have to rely on Propranolol for the rest of my life; hating myself for not being able to ignore SEH.

2. Feelings for Matt, but feelings for Paddy, and torn between the two, and hating myself for not being honest with Matt, and wondering if Paddy's gutted I'm with someone else, and not really knowing how Paddy feels, and not knowing who I'd choose if I could have both.

As time ran out, C said to me, "Isn't it nice that you have a problem that lots of other people experience for once?". Yes, yes that's just exactly what I was thinking all along.

Came back in a shit mood, and have been avoiding everyone in my house ever since. I don't want to talk to them about it... I don't know why, I just don't. You know who I want to talk to? Lisa. This is compeletely something I'd talk to Lisa about, but she's now in Toulouse. So instead of doing my usual trick, which was running away to Lisa's, I did my first year trick of running away to Rich's.

He took me driving in his beat up 1960s land rover, which has bucket seats and very hard suspension. My boobs were not happy. It was lots of fun though, and he played very loud music and let me just sit there and not have to talk; let me watch Sheffield go past the window and just enjoy the journey.

Going out in about an hour for a drink with Paddy, Amy and Kull. Oh that'll be interesting. And first I have to have some tea and ring Matt. I would love to just crawl away and die right now.

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