A big long entry about me me me
12.11.05, 11:08 pm

I was reading over some of my older entires earlier, which I do sometimes when I've got time to kill, and it struck me that I'm not quite sure of the impression that I give out about myself. Now, immediately after I wrote that I thought, "Okay, so why do you care so much?" I guess I care more than I should, but it's because this journal actually means a great deal to me, as sad as that sounds. It's pretty much documented the last three and a half years of my life - I still can't quite believe that I have people interested enough about my existance to keep reading about it, but that's a whole other thread.

Reading what I write, I get the feeling that I give out this impression of not really caring about a lot. I'm flippant and cynical, and maybe hopefully vaguely amusing, but I worry that I don't really seem that passionate about anything. I don't seem to love anything. I don't seem to hate anything. I just seem to bumble along, making snide comments about situations and people that I encounter, and that doesn't really give a great picture of who I am. Man, this sounds so egotistical already. Anyway, I guess the point of this entry is to write a bit about what I love and hate; to write about what I get from life, in an attempt to show that this journal isn't all shallowness.

So here goes. Firstly, I love my degree - anything about the brain, anything at all. I hope to some day become a research scientist involved in neurodegenerative diseases, because I think that something like Parkinsons's or MND is one of the most heartbreaking things to watch a person suffer with. I want to do my bit for the world, I want to be able to help. I also love Sheffield, and the whole student thing. The independence of it all is addictive, and I love the feeling of being a part of something huge.

I love music... more than love it, I adore it. I can't get enough of my guitar, even though I'm not that great on it, and playing and singing at the same time is like the ultimate. I don't like doing that in front of other people though, because I'm shy and don't have that much confidence in my abilities, no matter how many times people tell me that I'm good. I don't think I have great self esteem, although I give out a great impression of high self-confidence. I always think that I can do better, always feel like I'm not trying hard enough, always feel like I'm letting people down.

I love my friends and my family more than words can ever say. I'd give them the world if I could; I'd do anything that they asked me to do. Their friendships make me feel like I've achieved something in life, that I'm actually a worthwhile person. They make me feel like things will actually be alright, after I've just decided that things can never be fixed. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them all.

I also love nostalgic children's rubbish. At the moment I'm buying The Animals of Farthing Wood off Ebay, because I adored it when I was younger. I get quite obsessional over things, i live, sleep and breathe them for a while; it comes and goes in phases, but if I suddenly realise that I want something then I have to have it right that instant.

I don't like people who think about themselves before others, or just don't think at all. I just can't understand it, maybe because I think too much of other people first. I hate marzpian, eggs, marmite, tomatoes, milk and beetroot. I really don't like people who push their views onto others, and people who are narrow-minded - people who won't admit that your opinion is valid, and instead make you feel stupid for even believing it in the first place. People who make themselves feel better by putting others down, in some kind of poisonous ego trip.

I love animals, especially cats, and I also love plants. I look after all the plants in our house, and would feel awful if any of them up and died on me. I love cricket, because I grew up watching it with my dad, and he took the time to explain all the endless rules to me. I love baths and walking and horror films and watching the Olympics and dancing in front of my mirror and making people laugh. In fact, making people laugh probably comes top of that list, and I try to do it as often as I can.

Sorry that went on for so long. That probably doesn't cover all of it, but my mind's gone blank now. Still, I just wanted to put that out there.

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