Bulletproof, I wish I was
13.11.05, 10:27 pm

This'll be a depressing one, if case any of you don't want to be depressed right now.

So, at the risk of sounding like a big stupid whore, let's get cracking. Well, I've just sat in front of my keyboard for the past five minutes, trying to decide how to go about this entry. Maybe I'm losing my touch at this whole writing gig. Okay, black and white is the best policy here.

Me and Rich were having one of our awful sexual flirting conversations last night by text. In the middle of all this he told me that he was actually a virgin, which I really wasn't expecting because I thought he'd slept with at least 3 different people. This didn't seem to stop his dirty texts though, and eventually I told him that I needed to go to sleep and think properly, and that we had to come to a conclusion about it all the next day.

Well, today is the next day, and he texted me this a couple of hours ago:

"I'm ok.. think I've decided what I want to happen. I want my first time to be with someone I'm in love with, and not just sex. I think we should stay friends. Is that alright? I will stop this random flirting and shit. xx"

This has made me feel like the cheapest thing going, for reasons I don't think I need to clarify. I kind've hate myself for seriously considering sleeping with him, again for reasons I probably don't need to clarify. I feel like I need to apologise to someone for the way that I've acted. I didn't use to be like this... I only seriously started considering it once I started going to hypnotherapy.

And this is the big thing. I worry that hypnotherapy is changing me, making me kind've reckless, impulsive, and I've always been a big thinker about things. What if it's a bad thing? This was my big cure for my anxiety gig, and instead it's making me into a big slag, this person who is starting to change her opinions on a lot of things, and yet who still has an anxiety gig. Because that's still there in the background, tagging along behind me wherever I go. That doesn't really sound right... I'm finding it hard to put how I feel into words. I think I worry that hypno guy is going to put ideas and feelings into my head, try and make me into someone I'm not, either unconsciously or consciously.

Hypnotherapy's started to become a little scary, but I didn't want to write about it being scary because it was the thing keeping me going. It was my big plan, my total solution. Oh shit, now I feel like I want to cry. Man, this evening is sucking the big one. It's getting scary, personal and deep and going places that I don't think I really want to explore. Places where I'd have to tell him stuff about myself that I don't want to, or admit to myself how I really feel. I'm starting to dread Wednesday afternoons a little, yet I still tell everyone it's going great, because that's a lot easier. And it's a big lie.

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