Smile like you mean it
24.02.06, 4:47 pm
I�d just like to firstly say thank GOD Becky�s now back, because not only has she helped take the strain of the whole Mel and Iain thing, she also let me bang on about Paddy last night for a while, which definitely made me feel a little better and helped me sleep. I still didn�t get to sleep until gone two though, and thought about getting up again and writing an incredibly depressing entry, but opted to just not. Solid call.
I don�t appear to be writing as many entries as I used to. At one point I had a one-a-day thing, but now not so much. I�d like to think that as the quantity decreases the quality increases, but that�s blatantly not the case. This whole writing thing is very strange... the housekids probably have no idea just how much I write about everything, or that their names are splashed across the Internet. Actually that kind�ve makes me feel bad. Maybe I should have given them nicknames or something; maybe it�s out of order for their business to be available to anyone to read. Anyway, back to the original point: the whole Diaryland thing is very weird. It�s like this whole side of me that my friends have no idea about: my individual take on everything, how things really make me feel. God I hope none of them ever read it.
Mel�s just come up to my room to say goodbye before she goes home for the weekend. She was crying even before I gave her a hug, as she�s seeing Iain tonight and telling him that she wants a break until the end of Uni. I�d have sacked Iain off a long, long time ago for being continually shit and immature and self-absorbed, but I guess it�s a start.
Oh, this is turning into quite a sombre, thoughtful entry. Though I�m loathed to admit it, I�ve been feeling really quite sad for the last couple of days. It�s really frustrating, because I can normally just snap myself out of it and get on with things, but when I do that the sodding sadness just comes along for the ride. And before anyone suggests it, it�s not hormones. I haven�t come on for a good three months now. Which I�m not worried about at all, because I�m so very woefully not pregnant.
So yeah, got a sad thing going on currently. I don�t really know what�s causing it either, which also really annoys me, because I�m usually near-nauseatingly chirpy and do at least one stupid dance a day, and when I am sad I normally know the reason why. If I think about it, it�s probably due to Mel�s current emotional turmoil just completely draining me, and then �Things� notice that the barrier�s down and try to jump in. �Things� include feeling stupidly lonely at the moment, and praying that I get good enough grades on Monday and stuff like that. It�s the kind of loneliness where you just want a big hug from somebody. I have NO idea how I can be lonely in a house of 7, but there you go. Hence my wonderful plan of going home this weekend, so that I can both feel less guilty about my dad living all on his own now and maybe stop the stupid sadness thing, by distracting myself with decent food and central heating and my lovely cat.
Okay, enough about that or I�ll terminally depress myself. Michelle�s decided that we�re going to do a Murder Mystery thing for her 21st, and I�ve been given the character of a man. It�s okay; you don�t have to pretend to be surprised. I�m some Godfather-type character in charge of the hotel, and we�ve been told we have to dress up, so it looks like I�ll be tying my hair back, drawing on a moustache and sporting my best Italian accent then. Thankfully there�s going to be lots of wine available. Michelle�s going to be taking pictures, but to be honest I may be a little too scared to post them up here.
I just went to tell Becky that it had started snowing again, and then came back to my room and did a stupid dance in front of my mirror to one of my eternally cheesy disco songs. This sadness thing isn�t going down without a fight. I�ll see y�all in Manchester.
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