And you can tell everybody this is your song
13.01.06, 11:16 pm

Thankyou for the notes and texts and emails of support, they were much appreciated.

I�m sure you all have personal experience of anniversaries, and know exactly what they�re all about... this is just my personal view on them. I find them the most stupid, unnecessarily painful things ever. I�ve been dreading them for a good two weeks now, because whenever they turn up they�re exactly the same. You logically shouldn�t feel any different... the 13th doesn�t make my mum any less dead, or her hole in my life any more painful, yet when they roll round it�s like I�m back on the day it happened. The fact that it�s exactly 7 years instead of 6 years and 254 days shouldn�t be significant; feelings don�t work on a timetable� except for some reason they do.

The best way I can describe it is to talk about Your Song from Moulin Rouge. The whole thing is quite emotional, but then the operatic guy sings that climactic note about halfway through the song that pulls it into the huge end chorus, with the trumpet solo and the backing singers, and it�s like that soaring note symbolises this huge wave of crashing emotion that only anniversaries bring home. That�s how intense it feels, that�s how intense losing someone close to you actually feels... that long building operatic note. Anniversaries are like pulling together all the sadness and the loneliness and the hurt that you�ve ever felt ever since it first happened and forcing you to swallow it all in one go.

I�m talking about that damn song because I was just sat on my bed, listening to songs on my computer on random, and that song came on. And it made me look round my room, look basically at my life now, and I realised how it�s completely different from back then, and how my mum never got to see any of it. Never got to see me finish school, see the photos of my sister graduating, see me go to uni, or even decide what degree to study. Stupid things that don�t really matter, like never see me with highlights, or take a driving lesson, or receive a bank statement or learn to play guitar. I bet she thought about it sometimes. Wondered what degree I�d do at university. Pictured herself at my graduation, waving a camera and laughing at my stupid hat.

That was definitely the hardest part of the day.

It�s Bernie�s two year anniversary on Sunday and I�m bracing myself for another day of sadness. I don�t think I�m going to write for a while.

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