falling apart
7th February 2004, 9:36 pm

i went back to uni last wednesday, and everything went fine. it's strange being back but not in a way, like going back to old habits. when i'm at uni my emotions are much more unpredictable, and it's hard to keep track of them. yesterday afternoon, a little while before we left to go to the cinema, i got very angry and upset and ended up punching my desk drawers, which has resulted in red and bruised knuckles. then we went to the cinema and the film was fantastic (school of rock), and walking home afterwards was also a great deal of fun too. all these emotions wear me out, and i hate the way they can just change in a second and leave me feeling like crap.

i don't seem to have much of an appetite at the moment, and i think i'm starting to lose weight. i've been going on lots of walks though; they seem to give me something to do. on a side note, the evolution exam went better than the other two did, so that's one plus at least.

i'm back home at the moment; came back this lunchtime with my sister and chris, who drove. snake pass was very pretty in the sunshine, and i was able to relax for a bit. my mood immediately shifted to Home Mode when we arrived though, which means that i feel a continuing sense of worry, grief and uncertaincy... i'm not sure which mood mode i prefer.

i talked to mel about things... we sat in her room and she told me about everything i'd missed since christmas (guy and hannah nearly getting together then not, endless matt and dave JCR rubbish and the problems she's been having with iain, which she actually told me about the day after) and i told her about the situation at home. i was able to tell her about the money situation using my reliable deadpan voice, which succeeded in allowing me to keep some self-discipline. i couldn't seem to tell her about the personal side of it though, the shitty thoughts that i continually have or the little details. i continually think things like, "they were going to get married in a few weeks", "they were going to build this dream house for the two of them, and now everything collapsed and we might have to sell it, after all the work they put in", "my dad looks like he's died on the inside, i don't know if he's going to be okay" and "i don't know how we're going to get through this".

it feels like i have this rigid grip on myself, that's stopping me from falling apart. every now and again i get upset or angry, and i let go a little, but i never fully release the grip, because if i did i'd just collapse and fall to pieces. i don't want to do that, it's hard enough watching my dad do it.

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