Dickheads
11.06.06, 6:36 pm

Well, wasn�t I perky last entry. Since then things have kind�ve gone downhill, and I�m afraid you�re going to get the reason why in excruciating detail because if I talked to one of the kids about it I�d feel like I was having a grand-scale whine. Before I get started though, I�d like to note that the England match was bloody rubbish, and made worse by the drunk cockhead next to me who kept flailing his arms around and freaking me out. Take your man-boobs elsewhere, mate.

It�s seven weeks now of the mystery illness, and since the road trip I feel like I�ve broken myself. Which I don�t understand, because I didn�t exactly do that much general activity; the majority of the day was spent sat in a car. The last couple of days have not been fun though � I feel so horrifically, stupidly tired that it�s like wandering around in a dream, my legs tell me to fuck off after just half a flight of stairs and the backache appears to be a new shiny permanent symptom. It�s not massively painful but it aches and it�s stiff and it�s just constant. Ibuprofen dulls it to a certain extent, but I still know it�s there. My hips are starting to get in on the fun too.

Saturday night all the kids went out for various reasons � I declined going for a drink with Becky and Mel as I wasn�t in the mood at all, and once they�d left I went back up to my room and suddenly broke down and had a bit of a cry. I�m just so tired of feeling tired, if that makes sense. Tired of waking up feeling like I never slept, and tired of not being able to do anything vaguely active and of my legs twitching and hurting and of my back aching. And at that moment I just couldn�t handle it anymore and it all got on top of me and I cried. I know I make a lot of flippant comments in this thing about the mystery illness, and I try to not write about it too seriously because I figure having a sense of humour about it all makes the whole thing a lot easier all round, but it�s actually really really getting to me at the moment. I�m losing the motivation to be upbeat about it all and I don�t know how I�m going to be able to manage a job.

And then after a few minutes Lise suddenly texted me and told me that she�d had a miscarriage, and I had to quickly suck it up so that when she rang me I sounded normal and could be supportive without her suspecting anything. I managed to pull it off, which is the main thing, and told her that the mystery illness was fine when she asked me how I was at the end. God, I�m so sorry, I�m whining so much in this entry and no one should have to read this shit. I�m just in a stupid �I need a hug and a cry� mood, which in itself is fucking me off and making things worse because I hardly ever get in that mood and don�t really know what to do about it.

I got an NHS questionnaire form in the post yesterday morning, asking me to answer some questions about my experiences of arranging hospital appointments, and did I know that I had the option of a choice of hospital. I scrawled STILL HAVEN�T BEEN GIVEN AN APPOINTMENT AFTER BEING REFERRED OVER A MONTH AGO across it in red biro and posted it back this morning. Dickheads.

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