Happy Place gone AWOL
16.08.06, 2:42 pm

Okay, I have a confession to make. Despite the good vibes radiating from my last entry, I�m actually not in a good place at all at the moment. I didn�t want to spoil the entry with a load of whining though, so I didn�t bang on about it. I�m going to have to bang on about it now though, because if I don�t get this shit out of my system I may actually do something stupid.

It�s the ME. Clearly it wasn�t going to be anything but, seeing as that�s all I seem to write about at the moment. I hope I don�t turn into one of those people who spend their lives telling random strangers about their various health problems in excruciating detail. God, why can�t I even write seriously about something that�s actually affecting me quite a lot? Okay, here we go. I�m turning off the flippant part of my brain and going into deep mode.

Basically I�ve lost my Happy Place. The zoo was indeed wonderful and fun, but the backlash of it was so, so horrific. Before I get started, I�m going to go all patronising on you.

Fun Facts About ME, Or Fibromyalgia, Or Whatever The Hell It Is That I Have:

1. When I say that I�m tired it means that I�m fucking exhausted. The best I can compare it to is the tiredness you get when you have �flu, and it never goes away. And because I hate moaning I only say that I�m tired when it�s really bad.

2. Sometimes I have huge brain fog too, where my attention span rapidly decreases and I can�t concentrate for long. It�s a bit like wandering around in a dream. I always feel guilty having conversations with people when I have brain fog because it seems like I don�t care what they�re talking about and can�t be arsed to form a decent reply. It�s honestly not like that.

3. If I exert myself the backlash doesn�t happen for up to a day and a half later, and usually lasts a couple of days. I normally call it a �crash�. So usually what seems like a good idea at the time inadvertently has consequences.

The crash from the zoo literally killed me. It was worse Monday and yesterday than today, and so Monday was one of the worst days I�ve had in a long time. I couldn�t think straight, my balance was shit, my legs didn�t like supporting my weight and I felt horrendously tired. I don�t know if the zoo was worth feeling like that. And I was really quite low, so it seems the ME is affecting me quite severely.

And it is, I mean let�s not pretend. The ME has fucked me over completely, more so than I�ve admitted to anyone, and I�m about an inch from losing my shit completely. When I first found out about it I was pretty upbeat because it hadn�t really sunk in, but now it has sunk in I feel frickin� awful. ME is just so frustrating� endless compromises, not over-exerting yourself, not doing anything that might require effort, constantly preserving energy. Tiredness + frustration = emotional instability.

I feel like I�m writing an essay on my feelings. I also feel pretty guilty about Lisa. I know she�s not sure about how to be around me, and that she wishes I�d tell her how I feel more, but at the same time Linda�s pretty much living here full time and so takes up most of her attention (and rightly so), so she can�t really have it both ways. Anyway, I worry that she�s going to get frustrated with the whole ME thing, or the fact that I don�t do a lot around the flat in the way of cleaning, or... I dunno. I think her and Linda had an argument last night involving me. I was sat in the living room playing a bit of guitar and could hear voices through the wall, and then Lisa suddenly said quite loudly, �Because she�s got ME!�, and then later, �Holly doesn�t cry�. God only knows what that was about. Plus, factually incorrect � I cried TWICE on Monday, I�ll have you know, though granted it was only a couple of minutes each time. And okay, so the last time I cried before that was sometime in April, but still. The emotion gene may be stunted but hasn�t at least died. I�m being flippant� Monday was genuinely horrible and I felt crap for the entire duration of it. And for me to cry means that the whole thing�s really quite serious.

Anyway, I�m dealing with it all using a combination of friends and the guitar. Some of my friends are being a bit useless but a few are being absolutely fantastic. And playing always gives me a sense of calm, of normality. Playing always makes me feel secure. Oh, and good old flippancy is helping too, though that�s probably evident by the way I�m writing this entry. I�m just about to head down to town to meet Paddy on his lunchbreak, technically so he can give me a hand with my job application for the Home Office but I�d still go meet him if there was no job application. Spending an hour with him will make me feel so much better, even if it�s just for a little while. Michelle�s also driving up to Sheffield sometime this weekend to see me also; her email this morning saying, �It�s such a bugger that you�ve got ME� made me laugh a lot. I can�t wait to see her either. And I�d like to say a huge thankyou to all of my friends for being so amazing.

Edit: Just got back from meeting Paddy in the Peace Gardens in town � halfway through had a huge crash with intense tiredness and dizziness and had to get a taxi home, after Paddy firstly half-carried me to the nearest taxi rank. Need to learn to take things easier, walk slower, never rush. Fucking ME, wish it'd just go die.

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