You should see me high, you should just be here
31.08.06, 4:06 pm

So, I�m casa Manchester. And because nothing even vaguely interesting has happened (bar a phone call from work asking about a potential start date of the 18th, eek) you get an entire entry on lesbianism. Enjoy!

I can�t get away from lesbianism, as hard as I try. It started at the tender age of 16, when I got very drunk with my wonderful friends Lise and Lindz and ended up having a great drunken snog with each of them (funniest night EVER). It was there in the background all through living with the kids � I had the Lesbian Hat and would periodically crack onto Becky just to watch her freak out. Whenever Rich came over I�d turn into champion lesbian innuendoer, and he�d repeatedly tell me about his lesbian fantasies involving me, the rest of my house, underwear and pillow fights. And now I�m living with Lisa (and Linda pretty much) lesbianism is running complete and utter riot through my life. There�s no getting away from it.

If I�m not aware of them two snogging on the sofa then I�m listening to them discussing who�s hot in Bad Girls. Or they talk about strap-ons and I have no idea if they�re joking or not. If we all go out for a drink then we�re talking about our first times, if I�d ever sleep with a girl (no), past relationships, Sugar Rush, The L Word and Lisa�s friends and their relationships (who all seem to be gay too). I�m always outnumbered in the gay stakes in the flat� even when Linda goes home for the night Lisa�s friend from the LGB comes over, and they sit and talk about who�s sleeping with who in the gay underworld.

I miss talking about men. I like men a lot, and I�d really like a man right now, and I never get to talk about them. So when I talked to Zoe last night we banged on about sex for at least half an hour, and I must�ve sounded like a total sweaty perv, before slipping back into the usual pseudo-lesbian smut session (she loves it). And then Lise rang me, and the lesbian innuendo went into overdrive:

Me: You�ll never guess what I�ve done. My bloody vibrator�s broke [sorry, but I am a woman and I haven�t had sex in forever and we do have needs so y�all deal with me owning one] and I was trying to fix it and left it under the coffee table, and then I forgot to put it away and now I�ve gone away to Manc and Lisa�s coming back soon.
Lise: Well, you should just text her and warn her so it�s not such a shock. She should be fine with it; she is the champion of� toys. Hey, mine�s broken too, you know.
Me: Yeah? The buzzing bit or the moving bit?
Lise: The buzzing bit.
Me: Oh, it�s the moving bit on mine. I�m so pissed off too; I�ve only had it about a year.
Lise: *thoughtful pause* They�re the best ones, the ones with both bits, I always thought, �cause lesbians could then share and have half each, and it wouldn�t cost as much then.
Me: HA! I can�t believe you just said that.

�conversation about men too pervy to transcribe�

Lise: I fancy a bath too � I just want to chill and rest my aching body.
Me: Ha! Sorry, just after our conversation�
Lise: Oh come on, Hol; you know if I wanted you to I�d just say, �Hol, come look at my naked body.�
Me: I�m going to go have my bath now.
Lise: Think of me.
Me: Oh I will. Wait till I see you though� to be honest it�s hard enough just talking to you on the phone.
Lise: I know; I can like feel you already.
Me: *pause* Jesus, Lise, calm it a bit. Man, I swear we�re both gonna be lesbians by Christmas.

It�s true. What with all the lesbianism around me, I sometimes feel like I�m slowly turning gay without even wanting to. I still heart men, but if I begin to wear Birkenstocks and get a mullet I shall start to panic a lot. Ohh, I really want a man. I�m not going to bang on about Paddy (thank God), because that would be pointless and painful, but a man only even as half as fantastic as him would suffice. It�s not fair that everyone else seems to be wonderfully coupley (including my frigging dad) except me. And Lise, who primarily rang because she�d just split with her boyfriend. But everyone else is clearly smug and taken and having lots of great sex. Ugh ugh ugh, horrible visions of my dad, STOP.

My sister�s making me do her Pump It Up exercise DVD with her (at least, I�m doing the beginning bit and the chill out bit at the end else I�ll collapse and die in a pool of ME goo. Ha, and there�s you thinking I could go at least one entry without mentioning the M word!), so I�ll have to leave this rampant hormone fest here. The DVD has the dancers from the Eric Prydz � Call On Me video, including the fit guy; I�m quite excited.

I�m sure you�ve all loved sharing the excessive lesbianism with me. Peace and dungarees out.

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