You win me over with everything you say
16.11.06, 4:21 pm

You�re all so very, very fantastic, which I know I�ve said on many occasion before, but I�ll say it again because it�s true. Thankyou hugely. And I have to admit that Claire�s note of �Oh bum for feeling down and the stupid twatting anxiety gig!� made me snort with laughter, because it was just the kind of thing that I would have said, and consequently provided the first post-meltdown smile. Hurrah!

So, let�s go through my total breakdown in humiliating detail. Actually, let�s not. Suffice to say it�s been awful, and I mean really awful. For a while it took all of my normally excellent self-control to just not start crying as soon as someone started a random conversation, and even now writing this is a bit of a minefield. And being someone who very rarely cries, this is telling me that there�s a great deal wrong. I know, my powers of deduction are truly ace.

I could talk about the reasons behind the meltdown, but there�s no point really. What matters is that it�s here and it�s been brewing for some time, and as much as I tried to disguise it with flippant writing the signs were there. I think my brain�s just completely combusted and can�t take anymore. Dealing with having ME (forgive me for being the original broken record) and a new job and a new boyfriend (and juggling them all together with other life stuff) is a lot, and I can�t do all that and shoulder an anxiety problem, as this weekend proved. It�s so frustrating that my health worries are still an issue after so long (plus annoyingly ironic that I do have real health issues now), and that it takes so little for them to come in from the cold and take root again. I guess it shows that they were never really gone though, and that I need to try again to fix myself. I do need to fix myself too, because I've decided that I can't go on like this, it's just frickin' stupid.

So I�m giving counselling another go. I know, I must be either completely insane or ridiculously masochistic. Because I�m employed by Sheffield Uni I�m entitled to use their counselling service for free, which is excellent as I�d otherwise be waiting for months on the NHS. And thankfully I won�t have to see Bitchy McScarf this time (sole purpose in life was to try and make me cry. Ha, failed, I win!), as there�s a separate counsellor for staff. So here we go, again with the therapy. My appointment�s not until the 30th November, and I guess it won�t hurt to at least try it. At least I feel like I�m doing something proactive. I mean, I could just pretend that the weekend meltdown never happened and carry on, but I know that at some point there�d be another freak-out. I need a freak-out free life. Maybe I could make a badge with that on it.

In the meantime I went to the doctors, and they�ve agreed I should go on a regular dose of Propranolol again, just for the time being. Only a tiny 10mg dose a day, but it�s enough to stop my dodgy extra heartbeat from kicking off, and that�s where all my anxiety really stems from. And I can do my whole counselling sorting-out-my-death-issues and hugandcryandlearnandgrow shit, and then once I�m settled at work and maybe getting better from the ME (if) I can try coming off the Propranolols and just dealing with the SEH and not worrying that it�s going to give me a heart attack.

The boy�s been fantastic throughout this, and has not turned tail and ran despite coming over and witnessing my Sunday freak-out in full force after I left a shaky message on his answerphone. Instead he stroked my hair and kissed my forehead and let me get away with snuffling lots of dramatic statements like, �And everyone just seems to forget that I�m ill� they�ve no idea just how tired I get and how hard things are sometimes�. Because whilst that is indeed true, it�s the kind of thing that you keep to yourself and don�t really ever tell anyone. Nobody likes a �Look at me, I�m such a martyr!� after all. This is probably why I whine on about the M word so much in here, because I feel bad talking about it.

So yeah, that�s the minor life crisis down in words. Better out than in. And you all still rock.

last - next