angst, for a change
2nd May 2004, 10:58 pm

my allergy isn't just contained to msg, it appears. soya is also a big no-no, which i discovered this morning. had chicken kievs last night, and consequently spent the day throwing up and lying in bed in agony with a frigging migraine. the throwing up has ruined my skin like usual - lots of little red dots from burst god knows what - and the day's been pretty much wasted; spent most of it trying to sleep and not be sick. finally felt better about half three, and now i feel normal.

my sister's here at the moment, which is lovely. it hasn't shifted my horrific mood though, which has decended on me again just now, from remembering something that bernie used to say, and then thinking to myself that she'll never say it again.

why doesn't paddy want me? i know he has feelings for me, and he damn well knows that i have feelings for him, so why doesn't he act on them? why does no one want me?

why am i even thinking about lads when my horrendous mood is because of bernie? the only reason i'm getting all paranoid about the lads aspect is because they could compensate for the loss of love that i'm now left with. because they could help me forget about how much pain i'm in.

if i didn't have my friends i'd go insane. rich always seems to know when i'm in an unsociable mood, because he'll let me come out on drives with him, just the two of us, and let me sit in silence and enjoy the feeling that i'm running away from things. that or he'll talk to me about silly, unimportant things that make me smile, and forget what's going on for a time. he'll also buy me M&Ms.

going back to sheffield tomorrow lunchtime. not sure if it'll be an inprovement on the situation or not, probably won't make much of a difference.

i hate feeling like this.

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