thoughts
12th September 2004, 2:03 pm

it's lise's birthday today - happy 20th lise! even though you have no idea i keep this diary, and consequently will never read that line.

i'm in one of those moods that i hate, where i'm feeling a little bit emotional and decide that i can sit down on here and pour my heart out, but when i do actually sit down i can't think what to write.

i guess the best starting point would be lisa, since it's her i just got off the phone to. looking back over the last six months i can see i've been a pretty crap friend, though i probably improved a little towards the end of last semester. in a way bernie dying has made me selfish, in that it's taken up almost all of my thoughts, and i've consequently neglected the friendships that weren't in my immediate vicinity, ie. lisa, lindz and to a certain extent lise and emma. i should have spent more time with lisa, instead of locking myself away in my world where i simultaneously tried to both ingore and confront my thoughts about bernie. i was a bad friend in that i didn't try to explain this to her, choosing instead to blame it on being at uni for the first time, although i guess this was partly true. i wanted to focus attention on making friends with the people on my corridor, but once i had i should have spent more time with her... i let the friendship slide, and i can see that now. knowing that she'll read this at some point, hopefully on tuesday when she's home, is some comfort, but i will talk to her about this as well, once i'm back at sheffield. i want our friendship to be like it was again... i'm just hoping she does too.

lindz is a different story, something that i haven't even written about in here because i didn't understand it very well, and was embarrassed about it at the time. when i was planning to go to notts in june i was texting her about what we were going to do. i said something to the effect of being annoyed that she'd cancelled the time we were going to meet up because she was going on a date with some girl. she was very drunk, and ended up confessing that she was in love with me, and had been for the last six months.

this completely knocked me for six... it was something that i had trouble understanding, and for a while wasn't sure that i could continue our friendship. the only people who knew about it were dave, richard and mel, as they were there when i recieved the texts from her telling me this. it felt creepy if i'm honest, felt like a taint had been put on all the stuff we'd done together and been through. i didn't talk to lindz for weeks, ignored her texts and phonecalls while i tried to get my head around it. thankfully now we're almost back to normal... i realised that it shouldn't destroy our friendship, and she said that it was something that she knew could never happen between us, she just held onto it as a kind of dream. she said that now she's heard from me that it can never happen she is consequently moving on with her life and getting on with it. i think we're gonna be fine - she's up next week for freshers week (she's got a place at uni at salford) so she's gonna pop over one night. it'll be the first time i've seen her since that night, and i know already that it's going to be fine, and run just like all the other nights we've spent time with each other.

it'll be 8 months tomorrow since bernie died. i still get the thought of "what's the point now bernie's not here anymore" when my dad tells me about something new he's done to the house, and i'm sure he gets those thoughts too. i'm so proud of him for carrying on with his life again, and for not giving up on me and al. i love him so much it hurts, but i still wish that bernie was here with us all still, that she was still a part of my life. i know this feeling won't go for a very long time.

i feel a little better now, less emotionally charged at least. lisa, if you are reading this we need to have a proper talk very soon... when i'm moved in i'll text you and we'll sort something out.

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