thoughts
15th November 2004, 8:21 pm

god i hate feeling like this, i really, really hate it. when you get that heavy, aching feeling in your stomach, and you know that you're just going to feel miserable for hours, and all you want to do is punch the wall and scream.

i did some cleaning earlier, to take my mind off things, and then i washed my hair. feeling's still here though, i'm thinking it's gonna last till i go to bed.

mel was playing christmas songs earlier, i think that's what triggered it. thinking about christmas just makes me want to run away in all honesty. i can't even start to think about how we're going to celebrate it without feeling shit... it's proving quite hard to write this entry and to not cry, to be honest. i don't want to think about presents or decorations or anything, because when i do i think about christmas last year, when everyone was so happy and thinking about the new start life had given us. anything we do this year will be a mockery of it... i don't want to do anything this year, we have nothing to celebrate, nothing to be thankful for.

i miss my mum too. her picture's sat in front of me on the desk, and everytime i glance at it i yearn for her to still be here. i've only started feeling it so much recently because everyone's parents keep visiting the house, and also because becky sent mel a text a few weeks ago that's been stuck in my head ever since. it read, "gone home, need my mum." i need my mum goddamnit.

i'll be coming back to sheffield once new year is up, so that i can get some proper revision done, and also because i'd like to spend the double anniversary here rather than at home. still think i can do things better on my own, still haven't learnt yet.

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