counselling two
27th January 2005, 8:50 pm

i've flitted back to my blue template, only i've found a new picture. i think it looks very pleasant, and also gave me something to do. tonight is my night off, as my next exam isn't until next tuesday. the maths exam today went really well - i can do maths, so knew it wasn't going to be a disaster.

the anatomy spotter exam yesterday was a nightmare though. i was okayish beforehand... kind've nervous but normally so. the exam's arranged in a big square, with a specimin on each desk, and in front of it a piece of paper with the question and four possible answers on it. after a minute and a half, a buzzer goes off and you move one place to the right, and do the next question. well i was going fine until i sat in front of the foot specimin... it was literally just a foot. it was horrible looking too - the skin was all brown and leathery, a really ancient piece. of course, i convinced myself that i was squeamish to look at it (and i was to a certain extent). the panic then set in, and i started feeling a bit lightheaded, and my heart beat quicker (with SEH, of course). i then started getting really hot, and even more lightheaded, and i really thought i was going to pass out. i considered asking to leave for a bit, but somehow i managed to force myself to keep reading the writing on my pencil until i felt a little better.

trouble was, although i'd managed to avoid having to leave, i was then distracted for the rest of the exam, as all i could think about was wanting to leave. i didn't concentrate on the questions at all, i was just thinking, "ten questions to, that's all... now only nine, come on..." in my head constantly. i don't think i did that well on it, but hopefully my decent maths score will bumper it up.

had my second counselling session today. she said that i should be really proud of the fact that i managed to see the exam through, and to take that away from it rather than the fact that it happened in the first place. we also talked about relaxation anchors (an image or feeling in my head that, with practise, will hopefully make me feel more relaxed when i get panicked.

she asked me what i thought the way forward was, and i said, " well, i think all this is to do with bernie dying. i think i have got berevement issues, and i think the only way to permenantly deal with this is to deal with them. i don't really want to, because it'll be painful and bad and that, but i think it's the best thing to do." we talked about it broadly, and i spoke about how when i miss my mum, i feel bad for not missing bernie equally, because she died more recently. we didn't start to tackle it though - i have to bring a picture of my mum in next week, so that she knows who we're talking about, and she asked me to think back to what it was like to be a 13 year old.

coming away i felt upset enough, so god only knows what it's going to be like when we actually start talking about it. i got home and my mind just felt a bit numb... sad and numb, and i realised i couldn't stay in the house. i got my coat and went up to the park, where i sat and watched the lights come on in the view as it got darker and darker, just thinking. memories that i'd purposely forgotten kept popping into my head. eventually, when it was almost black, i realised how cold i was, and went home.

she said that it's going to be a long, hard task, and that i'm going to have to make a lot of changes. i'm going to basically be going through the whole thing again, feeling everything i felt before again. i hope i'm strong enough for that.

last - next