stress
31st January 2005, 11:01 pm

i'm really anxious tonight - i'm not quite sure why either, but my heart's beating too quickly and i'm all shakey. i went for a drink with paddy last night, and towards the end of the evening my SEH kicked up, probably because of the alcohol. for some reason it really bugged me, to the point of me having to go home. walking back it got more and more frequent... in the end i sat down on some shop step and ranted at myself for letting it freak me out so much. paddy was great about it, but he must've thought i was a right fool. eventually i got home, and went and talked to hannah until i felt calmer. this is just it... i know my SEH is nothing to worry about, yet at the time i choose to forget that.

i went to bed about half twelvish, still not feeling great, and could not get to sleep. every time i started to feel drowsy i panicked myself awake again, and then kept getting a feel like my SEH (not sure if it actually was it or not) if i ignored the panicky feeling. eventually, at half two, i got up, in a bit of a state, and texted hannah to see if she was awake. she didn't reply, and i assumed she wasn't, so i went downstairs and sat in the living room, and got kind've upset. i thought about ringing my sister, even though it was half two in the morning - i didn't want to wake hannah up because she had work today - but in the end i decided to ring richard, and asked him if he'd come round.

he got there in about fifteen minutes, and asked me what was wrong. i started crying, and said something like, "i'm trying to get to sleep, but i can't cos my stupid extra heartbeat's just in my head, and i've completely freaked myself out, so everytime i try to sleep i panic myself awake. and i'm going to end up getting no sleep, and then i'll fail all my exams. and i'm worried that i'm just going to be like this forever, and i'll never be like i was before." rich let me snuggle up against him, and he put his big coat over me cos i was shivering, and told me that i was gonna be fine, and not to worry. we sat and talked softly about his and my situation - i was just waiting for someone to hear us and come downstairs, wondering what the hell was going on - and then put the telly on and watched some knackering triathalon on channel 4. finally, at about quarter past four, he went home, and i managed to get back to bed and go to sleep.

i think i'd just had enough last night, although i feel the same way tonight. just sick of so much stress and worry, and feeling like i'm going crazy and am nothing more than a slave to all the panicking. i've been constantly monitoring my heart rate today, and especially tonight, but i'm hoping this little obsession will only last for a short while. i'm sure that once my exams are over i'll feel generally better and happier.

we had pizza tonight, due to us still not having done a big shop. michelle came back from her exam and went straight to bed... ugh i wish i could do that after my exam tomorrow.

the exam tomorrow will not go well, just for the record. i haven't done nearly enough revision, and it's a shit module anyway. honestly, i just DON'T CARE AT THE MOMENT.

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