dreading
7th February 2005, 11:26 pm

had my first headache today for about a month. even though i'm glad i'm not having them as often as i did, it doesn't make the one i'm still suffering from any less annoying.

first day of lectures today. had two, both of which went okay... slight bit of anxiety in the second one, but i managed to let it pass. i'm determined not to let this anxiety thing beat me, determined to get back to the way i was before.

we went on a random road trip yesterday, as em has her car up at the moment. me, em, her sister and her sister's friend, rich, vicky, mel, iain and michelle trundled up the M1 to conisborough country park, where we fed the ducks, had a mini picnic, got cold and retreated to the cafe to drink hot chocolate, before trundling back home again. it was great fun actually, even if it did take us ages beforehand deciding on where to go. we were all sat in our dining room with a big road map arguing about places for ages... we thought about going to skegness briefly, before deciding that it was too far, and didn't really warrant all the interest.

counselling tomorrow, starting to dread it. sat wondering which picture of my mum to take in... for some stupid reason i'm trying to pick the one where she looks the prettiest and happiest, like i'm trying to prove how fantastic she was. i know my counsellor will make me talk about all the random thoughts i've thought to myself over the years... the ones where i wondered what it would've been like if my dad had died instead, the ones where i used to hate myself for not feeling like i cared enough, and the ones where i imagined that i'd just bump into her one day on the street, and she'd tell me that it'd been a huge conspiracy, and that she had had to do it, but that it was all okay now because i knew and she wasn't really dead.

i'm sure it'll go fine.

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