bad week
14th February 2005, 9:00 pm

loving the "courtesy counts" roadsigns they've plastered all over the concourse since the weekend. i, however, already know that courtesy counts, as my school motto was "manners mayketh man", and i had to read that sodding phrase every time i saw something with the school logo on it. that was a lot of times.

i've been kind've putting off this entry, seeing as the last week went so horribly. the horribleness started with counselling, of course. counsellor (abbreviated hereafter to C for simplicity) asked me a lot of questions about my mum dying, and how it made me fee afterwards, and made me realise that the reason i worry so much about other people thinking that i don't care is because i worry that i don't care myself. and it's true, i do worry that i don't care enough, and then i feel like i'm letting her down by not caring enough. i always feel like i'm letting her down, by underperforming in my exams etc. C says that i'm too harsh on myself, that i have too high expectations and am always beating myself up.

she also asked me how i thought my mum felt about dying, and having to leave us all behind. i'd never thought about things from that angle, and consequently it made me feel both depressed and guilty.

came away feeling really numb and shit... i really don't enjoy going there. once i was home i started feeling really crappy, so i went and talked things through with hannah. i think sometimes she feels like she should always have something useful to reply with, but just telling someone else about it all makes me feel better.

tuesday night was spent making pancakes with rich, which proved to be an excellent distraction from everything.

wednesday was dissection day, on the head and neck. i was already wary about it beforehand, but thought i could handle it, after managing to get through my lectures okay. i arrived with paddy in the dissection room, a bit out of breath, changed into my labcoat and went to stand with amy. i felt okay, but then when kath started running through the general admin before i started looking around the room at the half skulls in a pile, and the half bodies wrapped in white cloth, and i started to panic a bit. my heart was still beating too quickly, but then instead of getting more and more anxious i found myself starting to feel upset. eventually i walked out of the DR and sat down with my back against the wall outside and forced myself not to cry. i was just so frustrated because my anxiety had touched yet another thing in my life, and i was so tired of battling against the panic. i just wished things could be like they were before, when i liked going to dissection and got something out of it. now the thought of it makes me panic, and when i'm in the DR i'm just reminded of death, and can't help but connect the bodies to my mum and bernie, abstract as it is. the place even smells of death, whereas before it just smelled of formaldehyde.

kath was really good about it though. she came out to see me, and told me not to worry about it at all, and to go home. she also said she'd speak to my head of department about my practical exams, said that there was no point me having a spotter test on the stuff if i hadn't seen it in the DR. i've got a meeting with alistair warren next monday to talk about everything.

came home from dissection in a really awful mood... i think part of it was sadness, stemming from the stuff i had spoken to C about the day before, and part of it frustration at myself for not being able to complete dissection. i went and sat in the park at the top of my road for about an hour; lots of dog walkers asked me if i was okay. because the initial spontaneous anger had long since gone, i found i couldn't cry about it, which i think would have helped a lot. i really wish my body didn't work like this, wish i could express myself a lot better.

the rest of the week passed in frustration. every lecture i'd worry about things coming up that would make me anxious; when things did come up i'd have to furiously distract myself, usually by writing song lyrics down the side of my margin. once i got home each day i'd just feel so angry about everything, that i'm now reduced to worrying about each and every lecture, whereas last year i wouldn't have given them another thought.

i used to enjoy my degree so much, and now i'm just so worried that i'm never going to enjoy it again, because certain aspects of it will continually make me anxious. i really want to beat this, but there's always a little voice in my head saying, "you'll never beat it, you're always going to be like this now".

lectures so far this week have gone a little better, definately a little less anxiety, which is encouraging. when i do get anxious, i seem to be getting more sad and upset than panicky, which i think i prefer. i have counselling tomorrow at 10, and i'n quietly dreading it. knowing that i'm going to come away feeling awful does not make me want to go there in any way.

quite a long, angsty entry today. there have bee fun aspects to my day too, like the evening we played the Silence Game (first person to say "silence" as soon as the room goes silent), and friday night when i went round to the lads' house to see dave. had a really nice night there, especially when we ate biscits and sang along to the rocky horror picture show.

mahjong is the most ADDICTIVE game on the planet, and online versions of it should be banned. i can't seem to stop playing it, and really should as i have graphs that need drawing before tomorrow's lab session.

last - next