up-and-down
9th March 2005, 4:28 pm

oh today is a bad day. i dragged myself out of bed this morning at 8 - after getting about 4-5 hours sleep during a crappy night - feeling a little shit, but nothing to write home about. had amy banging on about her latest boyfriend problems on the way down, which i really didn't care about, but i nodded along anyway. got to the hick's building for Mechanisms of Drug Action and then realised that the lecture was on treatment of hypertension.

i think i lasted till 9:15 before i had to walk out. hate having to walk out, hate it so much. always makes me feel shit and frustrated at myself. come home on the bus, went upstairs and lay on bed watching trisha. slipped into the numb mood i'm usually in these days. i decided about midday that i couldn't face dissection, so emailed kath and told her i wasn't up to doing it. being in a room full of dead people when my mum was already on my mind was not gonna help things at all, and if i walked out upset again it'd just undo all the good work i'd managed until then. so i stayed home, got some lunch, went back upstairs to carry on watching telly again and burst into tears.

i can't cry for long unless i really concentrate - that probably sounds a little weird, but i can just snap myself out of it instantly, it's that inbuilt switch thing C always goes on about. i still feel shit though, so it didn't help that rich decided to come round at that point. he did actually manage to cheer me up though eventually - me, him and em went down to the co-op to buy some fun food. on the way back i managed to walk into a big sign outside the newsagents, simultaneously nearly bumping into a blind guy with a guide dog. his friend was all, "i reckon you're the one who needs a guide dog"... guess i won't be winning any perception gold stars this year.

at the moment i'm slipping into "angry" mood, mmm one of my favourites. counselling yesterday went okay... C said that i was doing really well, especially since i've slipped into total grief mood. this has become apparent over the last few days - all i think about is my mum, and everything connected to it. the thing i wish for more than anything in the world is for me to be able to talk to her one last time, for her to give me one last hug and tell me that everything will be fine.

but anyway, C said that i wouldn't feel like this forever, though i still feel like i will. i'm going to give anxiety management classes a bash after easter, can't see them doing any harm. i'm just knackered, knackered and emotional. it's not a fun combination.

the whole house is sadly addicted to celebrity fame academy at the moment. we also all hate edith, who's blatently been fixed to win by the guys in charge. she's an average singer, everyone knows it, yet the judges always give her fantastic comments. plus she always wears a stupid hat.

have already eaten a sherbert fountain (tube of fun) today, and am halfway through a double dip (bag of fun). is it possible to have too much sherbert?

ooh, i got 64% in my anatomy test on friday. looks like all that dissection work paid off after all.

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