missing
13th March 2005, 12:48 pm

i decided to go home saturday morning rather than friday night, as it was the final of fame academy, and because i wanted some tea. i'm shallow like that. it was sausage and mash though, so cut me a little slack.

rich came round and cooked some of it for us, so we thought it only fair that he ate some. he then went off to the co-op with michelle, to buy some wine for comic relief evening. they came back with three bottles and a load of fun food - they even bought a whole box of bags of fun. it was pretty impressive. we then all sat and toasted the fact that we'd all passed our first semester exams... it felt very adult and cute.

i started off having a great night, but then they showed a comic relief film that showed some people scattering soil on an opem grave, and it immediately reminded me of burying bernie, and ciaran scattering drops of holy water on her coffin. i simultaneously felt guilty for having such a good night, when i'm meant to be in "grief mode", and equal parts guilty for not thinking about bernie more and for thinking about her that night when i'm supposed to be concentrating on my mum.

anyway, i went upstairs and put some really angry music on, trying to snap myself out of it. instead i went really low, which happens sometimes. em knocked on my door after a while, said she guessed i was having a bad night. she sat with me a good long while, and mel came up too after a bit. rich came up too, so there was a fair old party going on in my room, but he only came to say bye, and to check i was okay.

went down once i was feeling better, and made some hot chocolate. mel gave me a big hug in the kitchen, and em gave me a big hug before she went to bed, and told me to ring her at any time. i don't know what i'd do without my friends at the moment, i really don't. my housemates and lisa and rich and paddy, they make things a lot more bearable, and make me feel like i'm going to be okay.

got a crappy coach up yesterday morning, which has given me a bitch of a sinus headache. being at home's a bit intense... my dad's not mentioned my anxiety thing, or my counselling, and is still pretty dismissive. my sister's the same, which is nice. being home's reminding me of home so much though, more so than usual. still, i'm going home tonight.

i think the people in my house are seeing this as an opportunity to find out about my mum and bernie, seeing as i've never spoken about it before, and they must see it finally as a opportunity for them to feel like they're helping. when i'm really low or upset they'll ask me questions, which i always answer. i don't mind people asking questions, and i can see why they would... the way i handled bernie dying must have seemed so bizarre. i wish i'd done things differently... i think if i had then i wouldn't have half the problems i have now.

the feeling of missing my mum is a slow, dull ache, very deep and rooted in yearning. the feeling of missing bernie is a lot quicker and sharper, so quick it sneaks up on me sometimes, and is rooted in anger at what could and should have been. it sometimes feels like the two feelings are competing inside of me.

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