all about fish
25th March 2005, 5:03 pm

Oh my god. I am never owning any fish for as long as I live. Cats definitely, dogs probably, fish never.

I was sat halfway through my lunch, waiting for Mulan to come on channel 1 � shut up, I still watch Disney � anticipating a nice, quiet afternoon when my sister came in from the kitchen.

�I don�t think the fish can breathe. They�re sticking their mouths through the surface of the water, and the tank�s all green and gungey.�

My dad owns two fish, and they live in a tank on the counter by the window in the kitchen. Now these fish aren�t even attractive fish � they�re blotchy white and orange, with random bits of grey, and have bizarre black eyes that are too big for their heads.

�Oh dear.�

�I think we need to clean them out.�

�Well I�m kind�ve eating my lunch. And Mulan�s about to come on.�

�They definitely can�t breathe.�

�Fine.�

So I end up spending the next hour cleaning the sodding fish tank out. The first task was to get the fish out of the tank and into their makeshift home of the washing-up bowl. My sister tried using a sieve, but they were having none of it, so I had to chase them round the tank with a big metal ladle, whilst my sister said helpful things like, �don�t hurt them!�. The ladle kind�ve worked though, and I managed to half place, half flick them in the bowl.

We then stripped the tank down, and started washing the stones in the big colander. Those stones got everywhere too, and I think we washed a hell of a lot of them down the sink by accident. Even now there�s stones still stuck in the colander holes and knocking around the sink area, and some of the bastards wouldn�t even come out of the tank, no matter how many times I tried to flush the friggers out with water. Let me also take this opportunity to state how disgusting the tank smelt: like rotting fish shit, which indeed was what it was. While my sister continued washing the endless amounts of blue stones I set the video to tape Mulan � shut UP � and then scrubbed out the tank in the bathroom with the washing-up brush. The fish tank is an incredibly awkward shape, and didn�t seem to like sitting in the sink very much. It also still smelt disgusting.

Once that was complete, I scrubbed the plastic plant, which was really slimy due to god only knows what. Finally everything was clean, and we chucked the stones, plant and strange plastic filter thing back in the tank. We then tried to figure out how the air pump fitted back into the filter thing, realized we had no idea and just kind�ve propped it against the side. Poured lots and lots of water back in, and then I did a little dance when I managed to make the air pump produce bubbles again. Finally, when everything had settled, I used the sieve to pop the fish back in again. They really hated that experience, but tough cookies, because I hated cleaning all their soggy fish crap out of the tank.

When I got back to my lunch I discovered the fat black cat stretched out in my seat and cat hair all over my salad. My crackers had also gone soft from the lengthy exposure to the air. I reiterate � I am never owning any fish, especially not any ugly ones.

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