counselling fun
14th April 2005, 11:19 am

Well I just had quite a scary counselling session, and I have an hour gap before my Evolution lecture, so I thought I�d come down to the Perak lab computers and write about it.

I started off by telling her all about my freak out before Easter, and how I�m temporarily on beta-blockers. I also told her about how I�d been actively not thinking about anything to do with counselling, so that I would feel better. We talked this all over and it was fine� nothing was really said that hadn�t been said before.

She said that we should hold off counselling until after the exams, as they are the most important things to worry about at the moment. This thought scared me quite a lot, as counselling has kind�ve become my anchor in amongst all the scary anxiety, and I said as much. We started talking about my exams, not very seriously, and suddenly this torrent of stuff came out, about how I feel like I�m never going to achieve at anything, and how I constantly feel like I need to live up to my sister�s sky-high achievements.

I didn�t even know I thought half of these things, but it kept coming out. How it feels like my dad expects me to do as well as Alice does, though he hasn�t said as much, and how I believe that if my sister was doing my degree she�d achieve a first in that too, and how I�d really like a 2:1 but don�t think I can achieve one. That I�ve never done as well as expected in my exams, that all my friends did a lot better than I did, that I feel like I�ve always got through things on concessions, based on personal circumstances. That I feel like I shouldn�t even be at Sheffield, because I didn�t get the grades. Like I�m second rate to most people, that I�ll probably just fail at most things.

I could feel myself starting to get upset about it, and if we�d have talked for longer I probably would have done. C always seems to try to make me cry, and she�d have succeeded if we�d been there for five more minutes. I�ve got an appointment booked in for three weeks away � C�s booked up till then � unless there�s a cancellation.

I still feel pretty crappy, and would really like to go home but I can�t, as I have to go to this lecture. C wants me to hold off dealing with the bereavement stuff till after the exams, which is probably for the best, but wants to deal with this stuff about myself and my expectations about myself. I seem to feel quite strongly about it, even if I didn�t know I did, so dealing with it must be a good thing.

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